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T.C. Williams Titans head coach Herman Boone once said, “You look like a bunch of monkeys trying to hump a football.” That’s the Patriots’ offense in a nutshell.
As a new football season begins it also means we officially hear about suspensions handed down for some NFL bad boys. There are several guys facing suspensions who could use both extra cash and plenty of distractions. And there are other NFL players, any of whom could get themselves into trouble at any time. What is the best non-NFL line of work for them?
Let’s see what’s on the docket today for ol’ Terry Richardson: Boobs, boobs, boobs, actual penetrative sex, Miley Cyrus’s boobs, Tom Brady, Alyssa Arce’s perfect boobs, lunch, boobs. K, let’s get started!
If you multiplied Peyton Manning and Tom Brady’s rushing yardage total from this year by 81, they would still have over 2,100 fewer rushing yards than Russell Wilson and Colin Kaepernick.
This morning, we found out that Tom Brady and Peyton Manning text each other frequent tips on how to beat opposing defenses. So, I called a couple of my buddies at the NSA, and obtained actual texts sent between the pair. Here they are. They end with texts from this morning, two days before the big Broncos vs. Patriots Sunday Night Football matchup! (Obligatory warning: It’s satire.)
As post-game handshakes go, it wasn’t much: two future Hall of Fame quarterbacks passing in the night. So leave it to two shovey photographers to liven things up. “Stop pushing, Larry!” “No YOU stop pushing!”
Classic white guy celebration between Brady and Gronk as Patriots’ furious comeback gives them the lead over the Broncos in the fourth quarter, 31-24. (Update: 31-31 after Manning TD pass).