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TennisWeird But True

Novak Djokovic’s Futuristic Energy Pod Will One Day Overtake Humanity

by Glenn Davis | 1:45 pm, August 29th, 2011

All of us rubes. We thought the historically superb tennis played by Novak Djokovic this year was simply the result of a young guy with all the talent in the world refining his game, maturing mentally, and some luck…all aided by his efforts to combat his gluten allergy. But it’s never that simple, friends. No, The Wall Street Journal brings us the real reason Nole’s dominated his opponents so: the CVAC Pod, AN ENERGY-RESTORATION APPARATUS FROM THE FUTURE.

You can see this device in the photo above. Remember that sight, as soon it will rule us all. Currently there are only 20 in the world, but there will be more. Are we overreacting? Here’s how it works:

It uses a computer-controlled valve and a vacuum pump to simulate high altitude and compress the muscles at rhythmic intervals.

The company claims that spending up to 20 minutes in the pod three times a week can boost athletic performance by improving circulation, boosting oxygen-rich red-blood cells, removing lactic acid and possibly even stimulating mitochondrial biogenesis and stem-cell production.

IT KNOWS YOUR BODY BETTER THAN YOUR BODY ITSELF. Meanwhile, Djokovic offers himself to this RoboGod without one thought for the future of civilization:

“It’s like a spaceship. It’s very interesting technology.”

You FOOL! THIS IS HOW IT BEGINS! First, it’s “Wow, this is cool!” And before you know it: IT CONTROLS YOU. To wit:

“[P]od users don’t do much beyond sitting while they are inside”

Terrific: it controls your body while reducing you to a SIMPLE-MINDED CRETIN. Does Djokovic not understand that VIGILANCE IS REQUIRED TO STAVE OFF OUR ROBOT ENEMY?! More alarming details from WSJ’s Hannah Karp:

The pod Djokovic is using for the Open belongs to 38-year-old tennis pro Gordon Uehling III…Uehling declined to comment for this article.

Oh, GOT SOMETHING TO HIDE, DO YOU?!?! Like that you’re a CVAC Pod that’s taken on human form in an attempt to lure world-class athletes into exposing their inner bodily workings so you can collect their information and use it to create AN ARMY OF CLONES?! Is THAT what you declined to comment on, you AUTOMATON MENACE?!?!?! Thankfully some haven’t fallen into the devious trap:

[Fomer tennis pro Vince] Spadea says he didn’t dare set foot in the pod himself because he doesn’t share Djokovic’s “daredevil mentality.”

Well, some of us still care about humanity. We wish we could say the same for CVAC Djokovic, as he will soon be known. Hope those two, possibly three, majors in 2011 are worth it when we’re all SLAVES TO THE MACHINES.

[SB Nation, which will one day be CVAC Nation - all bloggers replaced by CVACs]



  • Advantage2k

    STILL DON’T KNOW WHY USTA AND WADA HASN’T BEEN ALL OVER THE CVAC SYSTEM AND AND THEIR NEW HYPERBARIC POD CHAMBER – OR RED BLOOD CELL CHAMBER TO BE BLUNT ABOUT IT. WHY THE HELL ISN’T THIS THE NO. ONE TENNIS CONCERN. E.G. PLAYERS, COACHES, SPORTS COMMENTATORS, ETC. ARE THEY AFRAID TO TREAD THERE? OR ARE THEY AFRAID OF MAKING WAVES. THIS MACHINE IS “AGAINST THE SPIRIT OF THE SPORT” AND TENNIS IS TOO GREAT OF A SPORT FOR THIS TO HAPPEN. COME ON BODO, TIGNOR, MCGROGEN, BOLLETTIERI, COURIER, WERTHIEM, AGASSI, SAMPRAS, WILLANDER, BORG, MCENROE, MARTINA NAVRATALOVA, ETC, ETC. OPEN YOUR MOUTHES AND START COMPLAINING ABOUT THE NEW RED BLOOD CELL ENHANCER.  WHAT IN THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH ALL OF YOU???  THE FIRST PLAYER ON THE TOUR TO USE THIS MACHINE, OF COURSE, IS NONE OTHER THAN NOVAK DJOKOVIC.  WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?WHAT KIND OF  VALUE SYSTEM DOES THIS GUY HAVE.  I THINK HE HAS NERVE JUST GOING TO NEW JERSEY AND USING THIS MACHINE. HE DOES’NT HAVE A CONSCIENCE.  HE DOESN’T CARE AT ALL WHETHER IT’S LEGAL, OR ILLEGAL (I KNOW THAT IT HAS’NT BEEN DECLARED ILLEGAL YET, BUT HE STILL HAS “BRASS ONES”.)  NO ONE IS GOING TO TELL ME THAT THIS MACHINE HASN’T INCREASED HIS ENERGY,STAMINA,  FOCUS, AND ENDURANCE.  THE REASON NO ONE  IS DOING, OR SAYING ANYTHING TO FURTHER THE INVESTIGATION IS BECAUSE  OF BEING AFRAID OF MAKING “WAVES IN THE WATER”.IT’S POLITICS, JUST AS EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS COUNTRY  IS.
     
     

  • Advantage2k

     I think  tennis commentators need to check out The Science of Sports (Ross Tucker and Jonathan Dugas. I truly feel that you and the other tennis journalists are spineless, lack courage, and lack the courage of your true convictions. In other words, you are afraid to speak about something so relevant to the professional sport of Tennis that it’s pathetically sad.  I’m referring of course to the CVAC System – Djokovic’s Pod the Red Blood Cell Enhancer / blood doping apparatus. All of you speak of him as if he were a Tennis god. Well he in my opinion, he lacks values and integrity, honesty and a sense of his true self; and thinks nothing of tainting tennis by gaining a sports advantage by using this Pod.  What if all of the top 10 tennis pklayers on tour begin using this hyperbaric chamber, what an unfair advantage for the others in the top 100, and how sad for tennis. It will never be the same. What happened to hard training and natural enhancement. I hope USTA / WADA ban this high tech apparatus – especially before the 2012 Olympics. But for all I know even the Tennis World feels money is worth more than integrity.
     

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