Welcome to Top 5 Dead Or Alive. Each week, we’ll ask one of our writers to come up with a definitive list of the five best people, places or things in a particularly subjective category — then, we’ll ask you to tell him who or what is missing from the list. Feel free to be a total dick.
Today, Eric Goldschein examines the craziest, creepiest, most outrageous athletes of all time — the ones you wouldn’t want to bring home to meet your mother. Yes, this is inspired by that nutty Miley Cyrus performance last night. Tell him what he missed in the comments, on Twitter, or by e-mail.
For the most part, if you’re dating a professional athlete, you’ve done pretty good for yourself. People who make a living with their bodies are usually a) fit and b) rich. This is a good combination of things to be. Having a personality, or being a caring individual — that’s what you want in a husband or wife. These people? Good for waking up next to, naked.
But let’s say you date your athlete boyfriend/girlfriend for awhile, and Mom calls you and says, “Child, it’s time I met the athlete I see you in all the photos with. Why don’t you come over tomorrow night? I’m making chicken parm,” and you think, okay, well, she actually makes a decent chicken parm, and I think I left my iPod over there, so screw it, me and my athlete paramour are coming to dinner.
But not every athlete is good family dinner material. The ones with no personality, you can throw a dress or tie on them, order them to speak only when spoken to, and afterwards tell your folks “Aw, well, Joe Flacco is just shy, I promise.” But how about the mad ones, mad to live, mad to talk, etc? The ones who make for great book characters but in real life are just way, way too crazy to bring into proper company? Which athletes, dead or alive, would make your family stage an intervention for you because they decided to twerk in the meatballs, or stage an impromptu marriage ceremony between themselves and your liquor cabinet? We’re not just talking crazy, because that list would be crazy long — we’re talking unapologetically nuts, We’ve got a list. Avoid ‘em at all costs.