Because all the topics have been taken, we decided to do a bracket tournament of all the past non-basketball bracket tournaments. We’re getting close to the championship game, so let’s see who made it to the Final Four.
The Muppets have advanced to the Final Four in our Bracket of Brackets tournament — not a very popular decision in Russia, because, you know, Bert and Ernie.
The first possibly gay Muppet couple won their Muppet Madness bracket tournament over at MuppetWikia.com, defeating Kermit in the championship game. If it turns out that Bert and Ernie aren’t gay, well that’s OK too … but at this point they’re going to have to make a formal announcement to that effect. Yes, considering that they sleep in the same bed (correction: twin beds), are inseparable, and are constantly arguing over minutia, they would definitely have to “come out” as straight. If that happens we can then turn our attention to Statler and Waldorf.
But The Muppets don’t have it easy — they’ll have to face Best Super Powers in the semis, and as you know that team has both invisibility and time travel. So whatever the outcome is, they could conceivably go back and change it.
The other semi pits Sexiest Woman Alive against Beer. After six or more of the latter, any woman becomes the former … or as you call it, “the weekend.”
Here’s a rundown of the top 16 seeds:
1. High School Girls (Shaker High, Albany, N.Y.). Stupid and cruel … but isn’t this how Facebook got invented?
2. Super Powers (Blockbuster). If “Time Travel” doesn’t win, I’m going back in time to make sure it does.
3. Muppets (MuppetWikia.com). In this the age of gay rights appreciation, it’s only appropriate that Bert and Ernie won this.
4. Actual NCAA Basketball Tournament Bracket (NCAA). Bo-ring.
5. NCAA Mascots (SB Nation). Possibly the hottest, smelliest of all the bracket tournaments.
6. Best Sitcom Episode Ever (SplitSider). All kinds of problems with this one, but they’ve got “Fawlty Towers” in there, so we give it a pass.
7. Saved By The Bell (The Desonesto Doctrine). Screech as unstoppable as 1976 Indiana.
8. Drugs. Vs. Alcohol (Jezebel). Unfortunately placement by committee has them facing Beer in the first round. So technically it’s Beer vs. Beer.
9. Beer (A Beer In Hand). Mmmmm, ninth seed (gurgle).
10. Gansett Can (Narragansett Beer). “Narragansett Beer wants consumers to fill out the “Gansett retro can madness” bracket to help select the next can design.”
11. Metal Band Beards (MetalSucks.net). Need further proof that these seedings were done at random?
13. The Sexiest Woman Alive (Esquire). Wait, alive? Damn.
12. Bracket of Life (Crooks & Liars). Because, Mexican Food.
14. Name of the Year (Name of the Year).
15. Biggest Douchebags. Somehow Jerry Jones didn’t even make it to the region finals.
16. Curse Words. Deadspin. “Asshat” continues to get absolutely no respect.