International sporting competitions prefer to error on the side of “hokey,” that is, they don’t want to stoke the flames or jingoism that already exist. So they go with generic “Eracism” and “Fair Play” or whatever, and nobody notices so nobody gets pissed.
This time around, proceeding the 2014 World Cup in one of the most dangerous soccer countries on Earth, the international soccer governing body selected bus slogan submissions from el internéto, choosing only the lamest of the lame entries.
Some sound so dumb they seem sarcastic. Others seem like the meaning might have been lost in translation. All are facepalm-worthy.
EXHIBIT A) Australia: “Socceroos: Hopping Our Way Into History!”
You guys know you’re not actually kangaroos, right?
They get worse…
Argentina: “Not just a team, we are a country!”
The fuck is that supposed to mean? Of course you’re a country.
Japan: “Samurai, the time has come to fight!”
Wow. What about Godzilla? Couldn’t have splurged for a more timely/generic Japan reference?
Belgium: “Expect The Impossible!”
There ya go FIFA, throw a oxymoron in there to see if anyone’s paying attention.
France: “Impossible Is Not A French Word”
Ya, neither is “Stupid.”
South Korea: “Enjoy It, Reds!”
Is FIFA implying that South Korea is only playing in the 2014 World Cup for fun? Or are they trying to tell Koreans to soak as much of the festivities up as possible because they’ll surely be knocked out of the group stage? Either way, it’s weird.
Uruguay: “Three Million Dreams … Let’s Go Uruguay”
One sentence … two completely unconnected thoughts. Also, the lack of an exclamation point makes the “Let’s Go Uruguay” sound like Dwight Shrewt is saying it.
Russia: “No One Can Catch Us”
At least they got one of these right.
Holland: “Real Men Wear Orange”
Was there ever a question as to the masculinity of men who wear orange? I believe you’re confusing that color with pink, FIFA.
The rest aren’t much better.
[CNN] Algeria: Desert Warriors In Brazil
Bosnia and Herzegovina: Dragons In Heart, Dragons On The Field!
Brazil: Brace Yourselves! The Sixth Is Coming!
Cameroon: A Lion Remains A Lion
Chile: Chi Chi Chi!, Le Le Le! Go Chile!
Colombia: Here Travels A Nation, Not Just A Team!
Costa Rica: My Passion Is Football, My Strength Is My People, My Pride Is Costa Rica
Ivory Coast: Elephants Charging Towards Brazil!
Croatia: With Fire In Our Hearts, For Croatia All As One!
Ecuador: One Commitment, One Passion, Only One Heart, This Is For You Ecuador!
England: The Dream Of One Team, The Heartbeat Of Millions!!
Germany: One Nation, One Team, One Dream!
Ghana: Black Stars: Here To Illuminate Brazil
Greece: Heroes Play Like Greeks
Honduras: We Are One Country, One Nation, Five Stars On The Heart
Iran: Honour Of Persia
Italy: Let’s Paint The FIFA World Cup Dream Blue
South Korea: Enjoy It, Reds!
Mexico: Always United, Always Aztecas
Holland: Real Men Wear Orange
Nigeria: Only Together We Can Win
Portugal: The Past Is History, The Future Is Victory
Russia: No One Can Catch Us
Spain: Inside Our Hearts, The Passion Of A Champion
Switzerland: Final Stop: 07-13-14 Maracana!
The worst of all, however, is America’s:
U.S.: “United By Team, Driven By Passion”
Bullshit — we run on Dunkin’.
Next time, just pair every country with a Pokémon like we did and leave the faux patriotism for the foreign guy who coaches your team.