This one really takes the cake. Yesterday, Jose Canseco promised to “discuss” global warming with us “clowns,” which, come on, discuss? And don’t call us clowns. But the full extent of Canseco’s knowledge revealed a myriad of things that I don’t believe anyone knew about global warming. Like the fact that “hole families” used to produce no waste, and that Al Gore is dead. (For the record, Al Gore is not dead.)
Below is a shot taken of Canseco’s Twitter feed. Be sure to read in chronological order for the full effect — although really, who gives a shit, this is all nonsense.
Let’s discuss the finer aspects of Professor Jose’s illuminating take on climate change and what we can do to stop it.
THINGS WE CAN DO TO STOP CLIMATE CHANGE:
1) Reduce, reuse, recycle morons — but also, that’s it, now it’s time for the Playboy celebrity golf tournament. Apparently that’s all we can do to stop global warming. Goodnight, all!
2) Oh, no, wait, there’s more? Turn the heat down. That really has more to do with personal finance, but okay, we’ll take it.
3) Flannel pajamas. Okay, again, more of a personal thing.
4) Sleep in the same bed? Like “hole families” used to do? I’m not sure what this has to do with global warming.
THINGS WE LEARNED FROM THIS DISCUSSION:
1) If we don’t stop consumption, no more bears. That’s right: No. More. Bears. No doubt that bears will be the only animal affected by global warming, so be on the look out for a lack of bears.
2) Pioneers wore flannel pajamas in the snow.
3) Al Gore died. Hugs!
Again, for the record: Al Gore is still alive. A final tweet from Professor Jose confirmed this: “sorry al you need to make some more noise .Keep fighting for us i believe in your and i am with you”
So, final thing we learned: Al Gore needs to talk louder. Or tweet more. That’s also good advice for the bears. Bears, speak up, or Jose Canseco will think you’ve already died and stop fighting for you.