Top 5, Dead Or Alive: The Most ‘MURICAN American Athletes, In Honor Of July 4
Welcome to the second installment in the new era of Top 5 Dead Or Alive. This feature, returning from a hiatus, is designed specifically to make life hell for our employees. Each week, we’ll ask one of our writers to come up with a definitive list of the five best people, places or things in a particularly subjective category — then, we’ll ask you to tell him who or what is missing from the list. Feel free to be a total dick.
Today is the day after the third day of the seventh month of the year, which, for the mathematically challenged, means it’s July 4, which, for the historically challenged, means it’s America’s birthday, which, for the young masses, means consume alcohol, disregard currency, and acquire gut-blubber. And, for lovers of synonyms, that means, “MURICA.”
In honor of this lovely day, we will honor our most ‘MURICAN athletes, on a scale of Humility to Handguns.
They will be judged on the following traits of ‘MURICANism:
1) Disregard for health and well-being.
2) Regard for money.
4) Lack of knowledge/respect for other nations.
5) Other subjective things.
On we go. Or off we go. Whichever is correct, because I am American.