Manny Ramirez, the pride of Taiwan and an unskilled slider, recently hit a home run in Taiwan. When you hit a home run in Taiwan and the game is on television, an announcer gives a “home-run-call.” I am not acclimated with Taiwanese culture, but this tradition holds from America to this foreign land.
And it appears the announcer has been brainstorming his entire life for this one moment, where a legendary American slugger would mash a moonshot in front of his eyes. 37 years of sleepless nights left him with this, the announcer’s legacy:
THIS BALL IS LONG GONE, JUST LIKE AN EX-GIRLFRIEND WHO. WILL. NEVER. RETURN!!!!!!
I have pondered this. The phrasing is airtight. The ball is indeed long gone like an ex-girlfriend who will never return. Proper use of who instead of whom, and both sides of the simile have a shred of doubt in them (the fan could return the ball, but it’s highly unlikely, like the ex-girlfriend). Delightful.
For next time, I recommend: “THIS BALL IS LONG GONE, JUST LIKE MANNY RAMIREZ UN-SHRIVELED TESTICLES. THAT. WILL. NEVER. RETURN!!!!!!