1:15 pm, October 31st, 2013
Happy Halloween, you guys! In the spirit of today, we’ve scoured the web like Nazghoul and brought you the scariest mascots — college and pro — in order to both send shivers down your spine/inform you which athletic events you should keep you children away from if you want them to ever sleep again. See if you your school/team made the list…then tell your therapist and things will start making more sense. John Clayton zombie kicks off the list at #16 (because he’s not so much a mascot as he is a terrifying idea for an undead monster lurking around your shed).
1.#15 UC Santa Cruz Banana Slug
2.#14 Wichita State Shocker
"Shockers" are people who cut or "shock" wheat stalks. This thing is a bundle of processed wheat. Different idea altogether. Maybe that's why he looks like he wants to kill you in your dreams... (apparently they no longer use this "Wu")
3.#13 Southern Illinois Saluki
A Saulki is the oldest breed of hunting dog on Earth, dating back to 10,000 BCE Egypt. Didn't even know they had domesticated dogs back then. Though, by the looks of it, they definitely didn't have "aesthetic standards" for pets yet.
4.#12 TCU Horned Frog
Horned frogs are one of the most unpleasant looking creatures on Earth. Sure, let's make it the symbol of our university and have it chase kids around the stadium!
Credit: Al Tielemans
5.#11 Nebraska Lil Red
He just wants to play with you...
6.#10 UNM Lobo
Lobos are small wolves. Kind of like Coyotes, but more evil. Can you imagine this thing is evil?! I know, right?
7.#9 Richmond Spider
This dude isn't scary because spiders are scary, he's scary because he looks like a deformed human being from the "Hills Have Eyes."
8.#8 Oregon Roboduck
9.#7 Pelicans' Pierre
Looks like the BP oil spill mutated this guy into a neon green man-bird. CAWWWW!
10.#6 Pittsburgh State Gorilla
You want to know why there aren't more teams called the gorillas? It's because gorillas are terrifying super strong humanoid beasts covered in black hair.
11.#5 Thunder's Rumble
Minotaurs are for Magic Cards and Greek myths, not well lit basketball arenas...
12.#4 Supersonics' Sasquatch
Could have gone with the Chewbacca look, instead they opted to gruesome up Squatch's face by stretching out the features and making him look like the dog-thing from "The Never Ending Story."
13.#3 Stanford Tree
Couldn't have just used a cardinal? Had to use the mayor from "The Nightmare Before Christmas"? Really?
14.#2 Chargers' Boltman
That's the most muscular FUPA I've ever seen...
15.#1 Providence Friar
A man of the cloth just shooting the pep squad in broad daylight. The clergy get away with murder sometimes...