Lets clear the air.
Yes, this is Fantasy Bachelor. Yes, it’s a real thing. Yes, you ought to play. If you’re all pissy this isn’t sports – STOP – give me the opportunity to persuade you. It’s kinda my thing.
THE TWO TYPES OF PEOPLE THAT WILL ENJOY FANTASY BACHELOR:
- Women (obv). If not, weird.
- Men, who like A) Women B) Men C) All of the Above
Do you fall into one of these categories? Scrumtrulescent.
Quick aside, this is the Reality TV Podcast. Every week, I’ll be recapping each Bachelor episode and the highest scorers with a slew of different guests. Today, it’s owner of the first pick in our Fantasy draft Jamie McKay (@_JamesMcKay). Then following The Bachelor chat, at (1:02:20), Corey Erdman (@Corey_Erdman) and I discuss the Real World: Ex-Plosion, which is for those who demand debauchery and debauchery only from their reality TV, because this new season is the epitome of that…
Listen fellas, here’s the skinny: you have a significant other you’d prefer to be appeased and you’re coming off an entire weekend of glorious football consumption (if not, again, weird) this is a pure “get out of jail free card”, and with no risk of succumbing to that pesky $15 Poor Tax.
Fantasy Bachelor possesses Charlie Sheen levels of winning:
WIN #1 – You were already watching Monday Night Football during this time slot anyway, so you no longer have to find an excuse to leave the couch for another 3 months.
WIN #2 – This counts as a “her activity” despite the eventual outcome of you enjoying it more than her. That’s what happens when 20 points are awarded for “Needing medical attention at any point”, 30 for “Having a body part blurred out” and clean 50 if you draft a gal who has the guts to stage the ever-elusive, “Coming back to the show to beg for another chance” – a classic bold/desperate combo. Oh, and the exaggerated drama. Who doesn’t like exaggerated drama?
WIN #3 – Not in a relationship? Do your friends refer to you as, “the Trent Richardson of dating”? No worries. It’s an excellent entry point into the female realm. They all love it, and they especially love talking about which contestants they love to hate. Just agree, and they’ll love you forever. OK, eternity is probably pushing it, but you’ll score an invite to the viewing party at the very least. BOOM!!! You’re in.
WIN #4 – It’s not “good” television in the traditional sense, but it is immaculately produced. The locations are extravagant and the creative team isn’t afraid to ignite a highly combustible situation if there’s no conflict going on at any given moment. And when they combine the two you set up a situation where you have heart broken babe crying in a Chinese shower screaming, “I HOPE YOU DIE JUAN PABLO!” Plus, it never drags, adds foolish sound effects and takes itself more seriously than the Supreme Court.
Win #5 – It’s hilarious. Ironically, mainly. I mean, Chris Harrison is the host. ‘Nough said.
Win #6 – It’s a show with scantily clad 8 (or better) out of 10s without the downside of watching them starve to death on a desert island. Instead of winning a challenge to get an extra supply of rice, the contestants on The Bachelor partake in only three activities – making out in foreign locales, drinking wine all day and staining garish dresses with their sorrow.
Win #7 – Money. If you bet on it. Gambling makes everything more palatable.
I dare you to name anything that sounds more fun than this. And, best part, you can still play. We started out league after the first episode to get a better sense of the talent pool. Plus, it would have been lousy if you arbitrarily picked a team based off these profiles and no one made it past the opening rose ceremony. That’d be thee shits.
So get your peoples together and draft a team already, OK? It doesn’t matter how many lucky souls you can coax into playing, just as long as everyone has an equal number of contestants.
I guess it’s time to meet the ladies you’ll have the honor of drafting, with their most only definable traits next to them. Here’s how our draft unfolded, we went snake fashion:
Andi (#1) – Lawyer. Despite claims that she doesn’t, “Have patience to read. I just show up and send people to jail.”
Christy (#16) – Blonde, Babe, looks kinda crazy.
Clare (#2) – Showed up with a fake pregnant stomach.
Chantel (#15) – Only black contestant remaining, relatively sassy.
Victoria (#3) – Speaks Spanish!
Kat (#14) – “Smells good”.
Sharleen (#4) – Opera singer, first rose, doesn’t seem to want to really be there, a mix of every possible culture.
Alli (#13) – Likes soccer (just like JP!), tall.
Chelsie (#5) – Blonde, hot, “Teacher at a Science Museum”. Which I’m fairly certain means guide at a museum.
Lauren S (#12) – Brought a piano as a prop and messed it up. Also forget to tell JP her name. Got a rose anyway.
Lindsay (Hates Twitter)
Nikki (#6) – Nurse – not a doctor, despite carrying around a stethoscope.
Cassandra (#11) – Former NBA dancer, apparently Rodney Stuckey’s baby mama.
Alex M (@AlexMiglio)
Renne (#7) – Already has kid, fairly forgettable.
Amy L (#8) – Brunette, girl next doory vibe.
Elise (#9) – Really only talked about her dead mom.
Danielle – Half black or really tanned? Hot either way, especially when she’s rockin this.
Kelly – She brought her wiener dog. Also, claims her job is “Dog Lover”. CUCKOO, CUCKOO.
Here’s how you get points:
You’ll be rewarded for drafting bold contestants but more so for drafting contestants who go the distance. Points are divided into Phrases, Actions, and Roses.
Phrases (once per person, per episode)
- Attempting to speak Spanish (5 points)
- Making a soccer pun (5 points)
- Talking about your parents’ relationship (5 points)
- Talking about your kid (5 points)
- Saying the word “journey” (5 points)
- Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
- Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (20 points)
- Saying “I’m falling for you” to Juan or “I’m falling for him” to the camera (20 points)
- Saying “I love you” to Juan (30 points)
- Telling Juan that someone in the house “is not here for the right reasons” (30 points)
Actions (once per person, per episode)
- Interrupting someone’s Juan-on-Juan time with Juan (had to) (5 points)
- Bonus: using the phrase “steal Juan away” during said interruption (5 points)
- Dancing at a concert (5 points)
- Playing soccer (5 points)
- Hot tubbing (5 points)
- Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
- Making out with Juan Pablo (10 points)
- Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
- Writing Juan a note/making him a collage (20 points)
- Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
- Crying on camera (25 points)
- Having a secret boyfriend at home (25 points)
- Having a body part blurred out any point (30 points)
- Drafting the next Bachelorette on your team (40 points)
- Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)
- Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points, only available first night)
- Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
- Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
- Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
- Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
- Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
- Refusing the Fantasy Suite (-75 points)
- Winning the Final Rose (100 points)