I’m sorry, Vijay Singh. I have no problem with you. But, you made the peculiar decision to use Deer Antler Spray. Deer Antler spray is dumb and useless and possibly illegal, even though something with no utility shouldn’t be illegal. For doing something dumb and useless and possibly illegal, you deserve a degree of public humiliation. Jokes like: the brilliant picture above, from howdygram.blogspot.com. Jokes like: Vijay rhymes with Fijay! And bee-jay! Jokes like: you are an idiot who paid $9,000 for a performance-enhancing drug, yet you have received no recent acclaim in a moderately popular sport, and you are pudgy and amongst the least-likely PED users in the entire sports world. I would have guessed that Jerry Jones was using PEDs before I guessed Vijay Singh. I thought Vijay Singh died 36 years ago, and I can only presume his family bought the deer antler spray as a futile attempt to revive him.
Wednesday, Singh was forthcoming with a lawsuit over the allegations involving deer antler spray…
According to the lawsuit, the Tour “failed competently and responsibly to administer its own Anti-Doping Program. … As a direct and proximate result of the PGA TOUR’s actions, Singh has been humiliated, ashamed, ridiculed, scorned and emotionally distraught.”
The suit, which says Singh was going to be suspended for 90 days, seeks damages in an “amount to be determined at trial, punitive damages and attorney’s fee, and such other relief as the Court finds proper.”
Vijay Singh is reportedly worth $65 million. I do not feel bad for the man. He can take a little embarrassment.
The lawsuit says the Tour could have known by conducting some basic testing and research that the product Singh sprayed contained no active biological ingredient and could not possibly have provided any performance enhancement.
“The PGA Tour has now finally admitted that the use of deer antler spray is not prohibited,” the suit claims. “Rather than performing its duties to golfers first, and then determining whether there had been any violation of the Anti-Doping Program, the PGA Tour rushed to judgment and accused one of the world’s hardest working and most dedicated golfers of violating the rules of the game.”
Singh, a member of the World Golf Hall of Fame who counts three major championships among his 34 Tour victories, admitted in January in an interview with Sports Illustrated to using deer-antler spray but was unaware that it could contain a banned performance-enhancer connected to human growth hormone called Insulin-like Growth Factor-1 (IGF-1).
Recap: Vijay Singh took Deer Antler spray, idiotically thinking that it would help, even though it’s useless and sketchy and will make people think he’s a cheater, even though he’s simply dumb. Then, he found out that he was still fat and over-the-hill. Then, he was caught, and he was ridiculed. And now he wants to be paid, because he wanted to use a PED, but it didn’t work. Or, if we are supposed to believe his story, Vijay Singh took Deer Antler Spray despite not thinking it would enhance his performance. WHY WOULD SOMEBODY TAKE SOMETHING CALLED “DEER ANTLER SPRAY” IF HE DIDN’T THINK IT WOULD HAVE ANY BENEFIT? I thought it smelled good! I thought it would turn me into a deer, but my performance would be unaffected! I thought it would satisfy my cravings for bestiality!
I rest my case. Vijay Singh is dumb and deserves to be mocked. Please mock Vijay Singh in the comments, or Tweet jokes @Mattrud or @SportsGrid. The meanest will score all of the retweets, and probably prompt more lawsuits from Vijay, who is crying tears for Bambi as we speak.