What’s worse than a bad commercial? How about a commercial that’s over four minutes long, bills itself as a “music video,” rewrites the words to a classic song to reflect the nature of the product it’s hawking, rips off its central theme from another company that had the same idea years ago and features celebrities selling out in the most obvious and outrageous ways possible?
Of course, “Hot Pockets” will get more views and publicity from me complaining about it than if I didn’t, and in that way their goal has been met. Yet it would be remiss of me not to point out everything wrong with this crap ad:
Let’s start from the top. Follow along if you’d like:
1. First and foremost, models don’t eat Hot Pockets. By eating one package of Hot Pockets, Kate satisfied more than half of her daily recommended value of sodium and a third of her DV of fat.
2. Why the fuck is Snoop Dogg talking about Hot Pockets on Larry King?
3. Why the fuck is Snoop Dogg on Larry King?
4. I guess we’re calling him Snoop Dogg again? Or is he just Dogg when he does things that run directly counter to being Rastafarian?
5. Who is this little pissant debating Hot Pockets with Snoop Whatever?
6. We’re going with “Just A Friend”? That song is older than Kate Upton.
7. You got “what I eat”? Are you serious? Who signed off on this rewrite?
8. If you told “Doggystyle”-era Snoop that one day he’d be rapping about microwavable pizza burritos, do you think he’d be pleased?
9. Looks like the real T.I. was busy, so they got a T.I. impersonator. Smart.
10. Snoop bakes. It’s a weed reference. Get it?
11. Worst spaceship dance moves ever.
12. Ah, there’s Kate wearing something low-cut. That’s a new use for her.
13. Seriously, who is this white guy? And why is he rapping?
14. Now we’re in a video game?
15. This is the worst chorus in the history of music.
16. So the issue at hand is that they’re arguing about two different aspects of the same pizza pastry? Didn’t Miller Lite and some other soda company already do this (tastes great, less filling)?
17. Snoop has been baking too long. It’s a weed reference. Get it?
18. The lyrics get worse as the song goes on.
19. Larry King. Wearing a chain that says “CHEESE.” Enough said.
20. Kate Upton is sucking her fingers and looking around mischievously. It’s a sex reference. Get it?
21. “Hashtags. Kids use hashtags, right?”
It should be noted that this isn’t the first time Snoop has done a Hot Pockets music video. Kate Upton is an upgrade from Andy Milonakis, but otherwise it’s an equally horrible train wreck.
The only person who has an excuse for being involved in this is Biz Markie, who probably needs a check. Everyone else: shame on you. This is terrible. We are all stupider for having listened to it. No points, may God have mercy on your soul, etc.