9:00 am, May 16th, 2013
Don’t you people understand? All Senhor Testiculo wants is to be loved.
Yes, Brazil has a mascot named
Senhor Testiculo, or in English, Mr. Testicles. His main job is to roam from town to town reminding men to check their scrotum for signs of testicular cancer, but he also shows up at soccer matches and all other manner of sporting events — even if those events involve children.
I guess that’s a Brazilian thing. I just don’t think this would fly in Nebraska.
“Honey, get closer to the testicles — I need to get all three of you in the frame. No, closer. Hug the balls, dear. Now in this one, give Mr. Testicles a kiss. Hold it … ”
Senhor Testiculo is the lucky winner of the No. 1 slot in this month’s Mascot Power Rankings — a rundown of the most notable carpet-based creatures in sports and beyond. This is a feature I started back at NBC Sports, until certain court orders forced it into hiatus. I would have been wrestled to the ground by NBC security and tased if I had tried to post Mr. Balls, here.
If you spot a mascot doing something notable, like bothering children, send descriptions and/or photos to
Rick@SportsGrid.com. OK, here we go:
2. Benny the Bull, Chicago Bulls.
Forbes Magazine marketing poll named Benny as the nation's top mascot:
"Benny led the pack in pure likability and gets more photo requests than any other mascot in sports. His ascension to the top is something of an upset, moving against this year’s anti-NBA trend."
But do they know about Benny's
extensive criminal record?
3. Big G, Harlem Globetrotters.
I didn't even know the Globetrotters had a mascot, but Big G has one of the greatest dance routines I've ever seen. (
Larger video here).
4. Q, San Jose Earthquakes.
UFC fighters Fighters Luke Rockhold and Daniel Cormier (far left) attempted the ceremonial first goal at a game last month, and
Rockhold scored off of the mascot's nether regions. ( Larger video here).
5. Lightning, Middle Tennessee State.
This happened in 2006, but was recently unearthed by our staff. MTSU vs. Florida Atlantic, and Lightning gets hit in his private horse parts by a serve. Hmm. Official blue balls. (
Larger video here).
6. Pat Patriot, New England Patriots.
Pat came in second in the Forbes poll (see Benny the Bull, above). Unfortunately, Pat also has an extensive rap sheet: including
an arrest in a prostitution sting.
7. Goldy Gopher, U. of Minnesota.
For putting the moves on Erin Andrews
in a recent tweet: @ErinAndrews heard about ur fear of mascots. Good cure: some sort of food (spaghetti) in low lighting (candlelight) with one (me) (Tonight).
8. Lizzie the Lizard, 2000 Sydney Paralympic Games.
Another nostalgia pick, Lizzy is new to me, however. Leave it to the Australians to choose the thing that killed Newman in
Jurassic Park as their mascot.
9. Pluto-kun, Japan Nuclear Fuel Cycle Development Institute.
Possibly the greatest mascot ever, anywhere. Pluto-kun, or Little Mr. Pluto in English, appeared in the mid-1990s to soften the image of Japan's nuclear industry. Among other things, Pluto-kun appeared in an animated cartoon to assure kids in post-Fukushima Japan
that it was OK to drink the water, even though there might be trace amounts of plutonium in it. Yum.
10. Singa the Courtesy Lion, Singapore.
After 30 years of trying to make Singapore more civil, Singa, the mascot for the Singapore Kindness Movement, retired last week.
In an open letter he cited "an increasingly angry and disagreeable society” as the reason for hanging up his mane.