Stop Everything: There Are Piss-Controlled Video Games, And You Can Play Them In A Minor League Baseball Park
I woke up this morning, groggy, tired and having to pee. I peed for about 40 seconds, and it was alleviating, but not fun. When I woke this morning and made the decision to pee, I thought that meant I was making the decision to forego at least a minute of fun-having. Up until this morning, I thought pissing and having fun were mutually exclusive.
Then I saw this tweet by @BobbyBigWheel, referencing a piss-controlled video game. He is a Twitter jokester, so I initially laughed it off. HaHa, piss-controlled video game, another good joke from the twitterverse! What a bunch of #cards this social media network has! But my curiosity got to me, and I clicked the attached link.
“Urinal Gaming System?” CCP is Coca Cola Park, a minor league baseball stadium in Allentown, Pennsylvania, home to the Lehigh Valley IronPigs, Triple-A affiliate of the Philadelphia Phillies. Minor league baseball teams love gimmicks, because they know that people find professional baseball too boring to even watch on TV, which means they’ll only go to a minor league baseball game if there’s a cool mascot or free footlongs or they can drink eight beers and then piss for two and a half minutes and beat everyone’s high score in Need For (Pissing) Speed 5™.
Coca-Cola Park will be the first sports venue in the world to feature a brand new revolutionary “Urinal Gaming System”, allowing fans to interact with the world’s only truly hands-free urinal game controller, when the Lehigh Valley IronPigs open their 2013 season this April. The p-controlled video game systems will be featured within all men’s restrooms at Coca-Cola Park and are exclusively presented by Lehigh Valley Health Network.
Revolutionary, indeed. Revo-urinary. A seminal achievement. Calling it “truly hands-free” is a bit of a stretch, though, because you probably won’t be any good at Tiger Woods PeeGA 14 if you aren’t using your hands at all. But this does appear to be real. I mean, if any team would do this, it’s a team named the IronPigs, with this mascot. There’s a video, so it is real.
This is the best thing ever, and it’s not even gross because pee is totally sterile, people. It’s not like it’s poop-powered or vomit-conducted, because that would be gross. Ew.
Unfortunately, though this game only solves the pee problem for half of the population, as peeing and fun are still mutually exclusive for females.