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The Apocalypse Is Nigh: A “Fantasy Slut League” Has Been Occurring At A High School For 5-6 Years


In high school, kids get in stupid fights, yell at teachers, eat unhealthy food — and they even copy homework (!) — or at least that’s what my sources tell me. High school kids can be dumb, but their immaturity is understandable and often forgiven. Except when students at Piedmont High School in California do this:

Principal Rich Kitchens describes “a ‘Fantasy Slut League’ in which our female students (unbeknownst to most of them) are drafted as part of the league…Male students earn points for documented engagement in sexual activities with female students.”

How did they find out? I would presume that the first rule about Fantasy Slut League is that you never talk about Fantasy Slut League. Then again, someone who creates a Fantasy Slut League is probably not very aware about the consequences of this thing, besides the fact that they’re THE TITS.

Imagine you’re an inventive, immature high schooler like the young feller who came up with this idea, five or six years ago, when this started. The year is 2006. Sure, you hadn’t seen a black president yet, but if I remember correctly (though, correct me if I’m wrong), women could vote and do manly things like DRIVE MOTOR VEHICLES and PAY THE BILLS and RECEIVE RESPECT and all that MACHO-BUFF STUFF!

With a striking urge to innovate, you come up with an idea: “Hey, I’ll make a fantasy slut league! You know, it’s like fantasy football, except disrespectful to women! Think of the upside — I can embarrass my friends, family, and if it catches on — set women’s rights back decades!”

Or, you could come up with something better. Here’s a list:

- Get a job.
- Do your homework.
- Charge other people to do their homework.
- Start a fantasy sports league.
- Start a fantasy recess league.
- Start a fantasy “I Hate My Mom” league.
- Start a fantasy ambivalence league.
- Stare at a wall.

I will not speculate as to the league’s scoring system, because I am not enabling the destroyers of the human race. I WILL NOT ASK IF IT WAS PPBJ!

The principal wrote, “Participation often involved pressure/manipulation by older students that included alcohol to impair judgment/control and social demands to be popular.”

Because, yanno, when you get drunk, you think a Fantasy Slut League is a good idea. THE FANTASY SLUT TROPHY WILL GET ME SO MANY MORE CHICKS, BROS!

“The main thing is that I don’t want to blow this out of proportion; I don’t want to make is something that is some horrible big event that we found out about,” Hubbard said.

It is.

They are planning a series of on campus assemblies with lessons about preventing this in the future.

How about one lesson: DON’T MAKE A FANTASY SLUT LEAGUE.

/quits sportswriting
/devotes life to enabling successful immigration to Mars
/gouges left eye out with headphone jack

[Barstool Sports; image via]




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