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Shut UpWeird But True

Shut Up, The United Kingdom


David Cameron Porn UK

Welcome to SportsGrid’s new Thursday feature, “Shut Up,” (pronounced: “shut up… comma”) where we add a name (or country!) after the comma, telling that person (or country!) to stop saying words, because they’re being stupid. Typically, this will be a person in the sports world. But, this week, we address United Kingdom Prime Minister David Cameron’s decision to block online porn for citizens that don’t specifically ask to opt out of the program.

David Cameron today unveiled a raft of reforms to shield children from ‘poisonous’ websites that are ‘corroding childhood’.

Did you know that websites are poison? That when you watch a cumshot, there is a 73% chance of the actor’s semen splooging through your MacBook, metamorphosing into Cyanide and KILLING INNOCENT CHILDREN? That Cleopatra was murdered with a pre-internet hieroglyph of Mandingo?

Porn websites are not poison; they are the antidote. Porn saves lives. Porn is not poison; poison is poison, researchers have confirmed. Poison kills people, and deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for its work on Hitler. Porn allows adolescents to explore their sexuality in private, and deserves a Nobel Peace Prize of its own. Approach the podium and receive your prizes, poison and porn, you misunderstood heroes.

Seriously: shut up, the United Kingdom. This sentiment doesn’t come from a political place, a jingoistic place, or even from the hormonal depths of my scrotum. Just from a place of simple human decency. You are not saving children, David Cameron; you are turning them into terrorists. A(n unofficial) study was done (by my penis) that found if I had never watched porn, I’d have joined Al-Qaeda.

But, here’s the worst part, the United Kingdom. Your imbecilic law’s more-imbecilic provision: mandating that all households be asked whether they want a porn filter on or off. So, Bluh-ey British FiOs, or whatever your provider is called, gives you a call, and says: “Hey, formerly agreeable household, we’re about to remove porn from your lives. Mr./Mrs. Household, is this OK, or would you like us to give you back the ability to watch porn whenever you’d like? Discuss with your family, and get back to us. If you don’t opt in by tomorrow, you will never see foreign tits/dicks again. FOR ETERNITY.

Then, a really (un)comfortable conversation! The promiscuous couples will have an unspoken consensus, probably, but will feel like they’re being horrible parents, because David Cameron called them child-poisoners. And British people are polite, so they’d never poison their children. So, they’ll keep the filter on, and the couple will experience separate, gradual sexual repressions that eventually culminate in one of them stabbing the other with a stale crumpet. And for men with conservative wives, if the man stays quiet, he will stab her with (a different) stale crumpet. If he speaks up and argues pro-bate, the wife will stab him on the spot; though the crumpet might not even be stale yet. Regardless of circumstance, there will be genocide. In an ironic twist, only singles and gay couples will survive.

(Note: I am not sexist and realize many females will opt-in, but there will be zero non-insane males that truly want to opt-out. There is irrefutable evidence, and the call shall stand.)

‘We are taking action to help clean up the internet..”

Good luck with that. Cleaning the internet is harder than cleaning dirt. (And that’s impossible!)

‘No more hassle of downloading filters for every device, just one click protection. One click to protect your whole home and keep your children safe.

No need to tell your children to stay away from strangers, or guns, or even real Cyanide! Just click on COCK-BLOCKING FILTER YES, and your children will live to be 130.

‘Once those filters are installed, it should not be the case that technically literate children can just flick the filters off at the click of a mouse without anyone knowing.

‘So we have agreed with industry that those filters can only be changed by the account holder, who has to be an adult. So an adult has to be engaged in the decisions.

This is discrimination, with children of non-shitty parents getting to sneakily browse porn like healthy children, and children of shitty parents being banned from exploration for the entirety of childhood, and becoming terrorists. Equal opportunity, be damned.

The Daily Mail quotes something from somewhere, claiming “9 in 10 parents want porn blocked,” which illustrates the idiotic faux-logic behind this law. There is no way this is true, but when forced to publicly declare their opinions, parents will feel uncomfortable and lie.

Survey-conductor: Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Brit, we’re doing a survey. If I asked you: do you think your kids should be allowed to watch porn, what would you say?

Parent’s head: What the fuck is this stupid bloody moron wanker talking about?

Parent’s mouth: Of course not; sex is bad, as is the viewing of sex! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to do something purposeful and not awkward (like watch porn in private)!

Cameron’s rhetoric involves a position on preventing child porn, which is obviously a great initiative! But there is no reason to combine that admirable pursuit with the moronic pursuit of banning internet porn.

So, David Cameron, and your United Kingdom, we must tell you: shut up.

Note: citizens of the United Kingdom have permission to keep talking; this demand is simply issued at their government and its leader.

Cameron photo via


  • Douglas A. Torok

    on this matter, it would be wise to keep your own mouth shut, leave the UK to the UK and it’s people.

  • Helge Sverre

    http://davidcameronporn.com/

    This is not about the children, this is about control!
    Mr David Cameron is trying to manipulate the wonderful people of the United Kingdom into voting for his proposition on blocking pornography on the internet within the UK.

  • Helge Sverre

    http://davidcameronporn.com/

    This is not about the children, this is about control!
    Mr David Cameron is trying to manipulate the wonderful people of the United Kingdom into voting for his proposition on blocking pornography on the internet within the UK.

  • Bogle

    VPN / Free proxy browser / Opera with proxy browser build in.

    Just 3 simple options to bypass any stupid filter the PM and his braindead tech advisors put in place.

  • Anonymous

    time to move to the Netherlands! A place with less government control.

  • Ben Lindsay

    I’m British but I agree 100% with this post…David Cameron is like when someone is on the defensive and asks a random bystander what the think of ‘blablabla’, the bystanders response is: ‘Uuh sure?’ That’s exactly what’s happening here. We should just make Boris Johnson prime minister… :D


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