British Daily Mail Online Writer Struggles To Describe U.S. Football Onside Kick
The Daily Mail Online is an extension of Britain's conservative tabloid ragfest The Daily Mail, and specializes in news tailored to their considerable U.S. readership -- in other words, stories about the Kardashian family. But since they produce about 750 articles per day, occasionally they have to branch out into other news.
The Daily Mail Online even covers sports, which is often difficult for them, because these assignments often fall to British-born writers. Today's hilarious-yet-sad example is below, in which Simon Holmes (was there ever a more British name?) attempts to describe an onside kick in an American high school football game.
Below is a generous excerpt, in which we've boldfaced the most interesting phrases from Holmes' account. They fairly reek of afternoon tea, bangers and bumbershoots. Let's begin.
Adrian Medina, of Kelly Catholic School in Beaumont, Texas, regained possession for his team after booting the ball straight at an opponent's head from a kick-off.
The ball handily rebounded off the Kountze High School player, who was stood on the 35-yard line, straight to one of Medina's teammates who then began an attacking move in the match last Friday.
Kelly Catholic coach, Al Rabb, failed to shed light on the debate who after the game said he told his kicker to strike the ball as hard he can, according to Max Preps.
Bam! The ball strikes Medina's opponent in the face. Luckily he was wearing a helmet so the pain was kept to a minimum.
Regardless if the move was meant to strike the opponent on the head and rebound to a teammate for a counter attack or not, the scenario will be very hard to duplicate for Medina and most pros.
If the young player meant it he could find his phone busy with offers from the NFL to show their players how to strike a ball so cleanly and accurately.
However, the onside kick wasn't special enough to gain his side victory as Kelly Catholic went down 34-7 to Kountze in the Texas high school tie.
As you can see, he saved the best for last. I'm pretty sure that a "tie" means the same in the U.S. as it does in England, although over there they're more likely to call it an equalizer, or whatever.
Other than a 34-7 score being described as a tie, my favorite is the line "luckily he was wearing a helmet." Because, as you know, in American football that's optional.
And we haven't even mentioned the fact that onside kicks similar this one happen probably every day. The whole idea is to get the ball to bounce off of an opponent and back to your team -- although bouncing one off of an opponent's face is somewhat rare, it still happens.
Being one of the most popular online sites in the world, where 70 percent of its readership comes from the U.S., one might think that The Daily Mail Online would shell out a little cash to attract American writers.
Instead we get loads of articles in which the authors use terms such as "moggy" for a cat, and headlines such as "Stroppy two-year-old bursts into tears as his family sings Happy Birthday." Say what?
Here's a video just so you know what actually happened:
After reading this I suddenly have the urge to colonize India.
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