Basketball Wives Recap: “I Told Her Her YouTubes Sucked”

  • Sarah Devlin

Our patently undramatic friend Sarah has bravely agreed to recap Basketball Wives, quite possibly the most dramatic human drama of our time. Her previous recaps can be found here.

This week’s episode of BW was a primer on how to behave in social situations where no one likes you or wishes you well. This skill set is not so relevant to people who live in the actual world, but there were some good pointers to pick up if you are an aspiring reality star.

Pancakes and Bacon and Meanness

The ladies were still getting to know one another/deciding who they hate, and so Tami Roman met with Kesha Nichols and Royce Reed for breakfast. Over pancakes and bacon, Kesha invited both of them to a benefit for a dancer she knows who is battling a brain tumor. Even though she didn’t know Kesha “from a can of paint,” cancer is a cause that is close to Tami’s heart and she agreed to attend. Kesha, for her part, was offended when Tami asked Royce but not Kesha to give her daughters Lyric and Jazz (oh, those names!) lessons because they can’t dance, despite Kesha’s B.A. in dance education (?????). I guess Tami didn’t have time to look over Kesha’s résumé before breakfast. Advantage, Tami.

“How Many People Are Going to Talk?!”

Royce was also involved with a charity event in this episode. She was tapped to host an awards gala for Preserve Our Legacy, a Harlem-based charity that encourages minorities to donate bone marrow and cord blood. She invited Kenya Bell, Suzie Ketcham and Kesha to attend. Kesha and Kenya respectfully pretended to want to be there, while Suzie bellied up to the bar and took shots while checking her phone during the entirety of the ceremony, pausing only to scream “How many people are going to talk?” loudly enough that Royce could hear her onstage. Royce joined the other girls at the bar, and they did their best to contrast Suzie’s bad attitude/misty, tequila-soaked aura with their own enthusiasm (the key to this is lots of “Hiiiiiiiiiii”s and “You look so prettyyyyyyy”s). Suzie could sense Royce’s disapproval, but she was blissfully, unreachably drunk. I’m just amazed she didn’t bring up blow jobs again. Advantage, Suzie.

Evelyn Lozada, exalted in her engagement/functioning relationship with a professional athlete, even though Chad Ochocinco does not play basketball, didn’t have to compete in these social power games this week. It was a very Shaunie O’Neal-like role, and she looked better for it. She mostly existed to have a heart to heart about marriage with Tami; to take her sister, whose husband is dying of cancer, to a spa for a mental-health day; and to have perfect skin.

This Week’s Punching Bag: Kenya

The rest of the ladies were not planning weddings, and thus had very little to distract them from piling on various members of the group. This week’s punching bag was tragic Kenya Bell, whose poorly thought out music career took a beating from just about every other member of the cast. There was Kesha, who expressed concern that Kenya’s new music video would be super dumb, and whose words Kenya threw back at her in a tearful speech to the production team who were auditioning dancers for her (while Kesha sat at the table with them, stewing). There was Shaunie, Tami and Evelyn, who asked Kesha and Kenya to rehash their argument in front of them over pizza, like a United Nations tribunal with Kenya and Kesha as two countries arguing over resources…perhaps that metaphor is falling apart. The important thing here is that Kenya taught us a new term of endearment (“apple pie face”) and Shaunie delivered the Lesson of the Week: don’t be rude to friends who are helping you with your nascent, delusional music career.

To that end, Tami agreed to take a meeting with Kenya to see if she could help her career along, despite seeming to hate her. Who knows what is truly in a Basketball Wife’s heart? In a generic-looking conference room, Kenya met Tami and members of her “team”, including an unbelievably rude dude named Carter in a Kanye West fur, who told Kenya that she needed to change her hair because it was “too big for [her] face.” Aaack! Kenya was spectacularly unprepared for the meeting, and it didn’t help that they demanded, without warning, that she dance for them in a corner of the room. Tami thought performing on command was all part of being an artist — “You ask me to do a monologue? I got five on deck.”

“So I Told Her Her YouTubes Sucked”

Worse than this humiliating meeting, however, was a scene earlier in the episode, where several of the Basketball Wives gathered on a rooftop bar to have drinks and insult Kenya’s YouTube efforts. One by one, they told her how silly, uncomfortable and crazy her amateur videos were, as she smiled tightly, politely, and thanked them for their honesty. That is the key to successful Basketball Wifedom — thanking the people who are most cruel to you for being “real.” It’s the toughest job you’ll ever love! We will be back with a recap for next week’s episode, but until then you can watch this clip of the Basketball Wives advising Kenya on her social media strategy on repeat.

[Video via]