People To Avoid At The Gym: The Screaming Bro
Welcome to "People To Avoid At The Gym," a weekly series where we'll be highlighting people you should avoid at the gym. This week: The Screaming Bro.
"ARGH!" Clank. "GAHH!" Clank. "WOOF." Clank. "ORGASM NOISE." Clank. Where are you? Are you in the jungle right now? A Turkish prison, perhaps? Have you happened upon an orgy at Michael Irvin's house?
No, my friend. You're at the gym. And the bro in the corner rocking out way too much weight on the curl bar wants you to be fully aware that he is rocking out entirely too much weight on the curl bar. He is screaming, you see, and he is screaming because he has a lot of excess animal energy. Excess animal energy that can only be expelled through screams.
Who is he? He's Screaming Bro.
Why is he screaming so loudly? For one, this is his gym, and his blood-curdling screeches are a constant, sonic reminder that you are in the den of the dragon. And that you might get raped.
I see. I don't want to get raped. How do I identify him so as to stay away from him? Screaming Bros can instantly be recognized by their prominent neck veins and massive "Beats By Dre" headphones, which they use to drown out the sounds of their own screams. They will also be lifting entirely too much weight, because the vagina washing station is that way, and there are no pussies here. In addition, they'll be ignoring key muscle groups in favor of chest and bicep workouts. They will also be the ones screaming.
Are there offshoots of the Screaming Bro I should be aware of? Yes: the Gay Screaming Bro. Gay Screaming Bros will be blasting slightly better music and adding just a bit more sauce to their screams. Also, in an ironic twist, they are less likely to rape you than Straight Screaming Bros.
What are the most-played songs on their workout playlist? If he's between screams, I want to hear him coming. "Ace of Spades," by Motorhead, "St. Anger," by Metallica, "Bad Company," by Five Finger Death Punch, and "Everytime We Touch," by Cascada, because everyone has feelings.
Oh, no. I think he's coming over to ask me for a spot. HELP. You're screwed.
No, seriously, please help me, he smells like NO-XPLODE and cottage cheese. Fine. There's only one surefire strategy to getting out of spotting a Screaming Bro if he engages you directly. If you follow it, you may make it out of this alive, and home in time to see Castle.
1. Look at him.
2. Look at the weight he wants you to spot.
3. Raise your eyebrows a little bit and mouth the words "Whoa, bro."
4. Look back at him.
5. Say, "I'd love to man. But that's a lot of weight. I can't swing it."
Thanks! That was close, but I think he's gone now. Can you spot me, by the way? I'd love to, man. But that's a lot of weight. I can't swing it.
Seriously? Seriously. (Castle's on in 20, I wasn't kidding about that.)
Illustration by Sean Panzera.
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