Onion SportsDome (And A Former NBA Star) Analyze Shaq “Trade”
February 9 / Glenn Davis / SportsGrid
Wait, so Shaq got traded to the Mavericks for nothing but two D-Leaguers and cash considerations? Why didn't you hear anything about this? Well, because it didn't actually happen. But in the Onion SportsDome universe (and in one of the show's better bits last night), it did. And in this world, Dallas didn't want Shaq for his skills - they wanted him for his body parts. And Gary Payton came on to make sense of it all. (Really.)
Essentially, the idea behind this "trade" was that the Mavericks were acquiring Shaq solely to harvest his body for parts one of their other players might need - or, as SportsDome's "report" put it, he could give the Mavs "raw biological material...in case their star players break down." Fans, meanwhile, were "excited about having an NBA legend grafted onto their hometown stars." If this all sounds...creepy, trust us - the concept is just absurd enough, and the delivery is just straight enough, that it all works.
After an impressive Mavericks reference (the show published a fake viewer e-mail from the fake viewer "TarpleyLove"), the segment got yet more surreal with the addition of Gary Payton (yes, actually that Gary Payton) to break down the "deal" - Payton raved that Shaq "brings a lot of parts and organs to the table." A co-anchor later told Payton, "Gary, you know how the human body works and I respect you for that."
Video of the segment below. If nothing else, it proves that, generally, SportsDome is at its best when it's also at its weirdest.