iTunes Play Store YouTube

America Wants To Bang Ryan Lochte Even Though He’s The Dumbest Human Being Alive

  • Dan Fogarty

Ryan Lochte’s dominance of America’s vagina didn’t come from out of nowhere.

He was a big deal before the 2012 Summer Games, blowing away the field at the 2011 World Championships and raking in about $2.3 million in endorsements this past year. But, by the time he gets back to the States, his fame will have reached stratospheric levels.

This tends to happen when you win five medals and look like That One Gosling Cousin With The Giant Torso. The $2.3 million from last year? It will look like Monopoly money compared to his projected future earnings. The Vogue cover? Baby food compared to the full-on Lochte media blitz that will ensue once he gets back from London. He will be everywhere, and when he awkwardly segues into a Lil’ Wayne performance at the VMAs, you’ll know we’re in the middle of it.

As if the hero’s welcome weren’t enough, over half of America wants to have sex with Ryan Lochte. It’s a fact, one that’s been proven unscientifically in the Gchat windows and Facebook status updates of the country’s dude-loving populace ever since the Games first started: Straight girls and gay men can’t get enough Ryan Lochte in their lives.

To a degree, I get it. He’s a good looking guy, has about 10 million cameras trained on his every move, and he’s winning. That last point is the most important one. If the world is a giant high school, and the Olympics is its biggest sporting event, then Ryan Lochte is probably the most popular kid in that giant high school by virtue of all of the races he’s won. That makes him attractive, since being attracted to winners is hardwired into our DNA.

Still, I don’t quite understand the level of Lochte-centered horniness that’s overtaking most of our country’s straight female and gay male populace. Yes, he’s good looking. Yes, he’s popular. Yes, he wins races.

But, ladies and gay gents, I’ve got a question for you: Have you ever heard Ryan Lochte speak? Like, have you really listened to Ryan Lochte when he opens his mouth? Have you been able to get past the preferable bone structure, numerous gold medals, and eyes as blue as the deepest ocean to actually listen to the words that are coming out of this guy’s face? Because he’s dumb.

Really fucking dumb.

Look at this video of him. He is Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, if Spicoli was less articulate and didn’t quite know what camera he was supposed to look into.

See. Dumb as a rock. And if you’re not sufficiently convinced that Lochte is very, very dumb, take a look at my new favorite website, “Ryan Lochte Says.”

Here’s my favorite thing Ryan Lochte actually said:

There goes Ryan, indeed.

Despite saying things like that, Lochte is still highly sought-after by pretty much anyone who’s attracted to men. Just look at some of the phrases used to describe him in The Times and Democrat’s breathless breakdown of Lochte’s appeal to soccer moms.

– “Simply a stud.”
– “A truckload of eye candy.”
– “He’s cool enough for kids and hot enough for their moms.”

Lochte has America’s mom’s real hot. But, far be it for his appeal to be constricted to one demo: Lochte horniness has crossover potential.

From the comments section on a recent MediaTakeOut post.

– “anyhooo white boy is sexy.”
– “Ryan is sexy:)”

Lochte Fever is everywhere!

Looking to further understand the phenomenon, and why America could fall in love with a man so stupid, I asked my friend Justin, who is gay, about the swimmer’s appeal. He broke it down quite well.

Justin: normally as soon as i know someone is dumb, my fascination with them is over
but knowing that there are chairs that are smarter than ryan lochte actually makes him more
not more attractive, but just more …
interesting? for lack of a better word
i dunno

Dan: how does Lochte being dumb as a rock make him more attractive

Justin: i think it’s because i hate him less as a result
if he were good looking, and an olympian, AND actually reasonably smart on top of that
i would resent him for having it all
granted there are more important things in life than those three things
but he’d be an absolute total package
if he were smarter
i guess his dumbness makes him a little more relatable and a little less superhuman
Sent at 2:34 PM on Friday

Justin: does that make any sense at all?
Sent at 2:35 PM on Friday

Dan: yes
that actually makes perfect sense

It does make perfect sense! It makes perfect sense because it makes Lochte more attainable. Like the nearly perfect girl who’s got one minor flaw, Lochte’s brain-melting dumbness actually works in his favor: he’s human. And humans like humans.

So you know what, America? I don’t blame you for giving your metaphorical vagina to Ryan Lochte. He’s a nice boy. And even though he can’t put two sentences together, and you probably can’t leave him alone in the house (because he’ll try to microwave aluminum foil or something), I’m sure you two will be very happy together.