The Two Best Perspectives On The Election Came From Neil deGrasse Tyson And A Dog Puppet
No one has helped us make sense of this election better than Stephen Colbert on The Late Show -- his live election night show was one of the best of a zillion election night shows, and he brought us some sanity.
But the following night, Wednesday, was possibly even better. Two of his guests were astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Triumph is voiced by Robert Smigel, one of the unsung heroes of comedy who had been working the dog puppet since the 1990s.
And it was these two voices who gave us the best insight so far on Donald Trump's victory.
COLBERT: "You said we spend too much time bashing Trump. What did you mean by that?"
TYSON: "I think as a culture we've somehow become politician bashers. The politician is representing an electorate. So really if you're against a politician, you're against their voter base. Your fellow citizens of this country. So I as an educator, if I want to educate people, I don't say 'Don't vote for this person or that person,' I just educate you. So that when the time comes you can make as informed a decision as you can."
COLBERT: "What's your cosmic perspective right now? How can people use the cosmic perspective?"
TYSON: "So for me, it's what the world looks like when you've studied the vastness of the universe. And you come back to Earth and it's this little speck, with people warring and fighting ... in fact, the best account of the cosmic perspective I have written here." (Withdraws piece of paper from jacket pocket).
COLBERT: "Is that always with you?"
TYSON: " 'You develop an instant global consciousness. A people orientation. An intense dissatisfaction with the state of the world and a compulsion to do something about it. But from out there on the moon, international politics look so petty. You want to grab a politician by the scruff of the neck, and drag him a quarter-million miles away and say, Look at that, you son of a bitch!' That is Edgar Mitchell, Apollo 14 astronaut."
Later, Triumph appeared.
COLBERT: "Why did the news media not see this one coming?"
TRIUMPH: "It's the elitists! The elitists didn't see it coming. You know, people are blaming the election on voters being stupid. Which I think is very unfair to the racists. You elitists, you need to go out. Go out and see the real America. I hear the meth is amazing. I mean it has to be: look who they voted for!"
COLBERT: "So, why did Hillary lose?"
TRIUMPH: "Because Hillary, she didn't have an issue. She ran on nothing. But meanwhile Donald Trump had a clear message: 'I have a hat. Won't you join me, and my hat?' It' a red hat! For God's sake, it's a red hat! You know who I feel sorry for though is Tim Kaine. All summer he's been forced to speak in Spanish: you know he can no longer speak unless someone presses the number 2 on their phone."
COLBERT: "What do you see from a President Trump. Give us your analysis."
TRIUMPH: "Oh Stephen, I want to be optimistic. Don't you think that Trump can do what he promised, and bring us back to a better time? Like yesterday afternoon? No, but it's exciting!"
COLBERT: "How is it exciting?"
TRIUMPH: "Because we finally get to see Donald's plan to destroy ISIS! Which I assume is to buy it and run it into the ground like one of his casinos."
COLBERT: "What about the cabinet?"
TRIUMPH: "No word yet on whether Chris Christie will have a place in the administration. But we do know that Trump is going to add a new cabinet position: Secretary of Are You Going To Finish That? But Christie will either be a high ranking cabinet member, or he'll be The Wall."
Be the first to know
Want FREE Fantasy and Betting Advice and Savings Delivered to your Inbox? Sign up for our Newsletter.