The Wizards(!) Beat The Heat! Miami Owner Micky Arison Tweeted: “Crap.”

  • Matt Rudnitsky

The Washington Wizards beat the Miami Heat tonight. This is a true sentence, just like this one: “The Washington Wizards are god-awful at playing basketball.” The Wizards had a 1-13 record entering the game, and they rolled out a starting lineup of A.J. Price, Bradley Beal, Chris Singleton, Trevor Ariza and Emeka Okafor, none of whom tested positive for steroids before the game, none of whom were found with Flubber on their shoes, and none of whom are known to practice the Dark Arts (despite playing for the “Wizards”). The Heat played their usual, shiny lineup. LeBron James played 43 minutes and recorded a triple-double.

I have sat here analyzing the box score, using Mathematical Arithmetic Addition, and it is indeed true: the Wizards scored more points than the Heat! I’ve long suspected this is how you stop the Big Three, and it appears the Wiz have proven my theory true. Good for them, employing advanced statistics.

The Wizards were 10-point underdogs at the all-knowing Vegas Sportsbooks, and you could have gotten 5-to-1 odds for them to win outright. That implies the Wiz had a 16.7% chance of winning, and it’s safe to say most fans would think that was incredibly generous. It was truly a “Miracle on Wood.”

Heat owner Micky Arison did not bet on the Wizards. He took out his frustration on Twitter.

Perhaps he was Tweeting his plans for after the game, rather than an expletive? Either way, Arison was sick watching the Wizards beat his team, just as any self-respecting owner would be.

Oh yeah, RGII was there.

You may be on to something, @Bspor3.