This British Soccer Fan’s Shouty Rant Is One For The Record Books

  • Matt Rudnitsky

Arsenal striker Robin van Persie, immiediately following a season in which he led the Barclays Premier League in goals and won the English football equivalent of the MVP award, announced he is not extending his contract with the Gunners.

In America-speak, this shares certain similarities with LeBron’s Decision: Van Persie was the club’s skipper (captain) and has been with Arsenal since 2004, when he was bought from his Dutch club as a promising youngster.

As you might imagine, the fans. are. pissed. Cleveland pissed. Dan Gilbert pissed. Senile talking cat pissed.

Watch this Brit’s brilliant dismantling of the Dutch star; I assure you, the entire thing is worth your time (although feel free to skip ahead a bit to the shouting).

Brilliant. The initial disbelief, the questioning, the eventual acknowledgement, the sarcastic tone. Calling out van Persie’s bullshit.

“Financial terms aren’t my priority?! Ah, come on, that’s complete bull. That’s complete bull, MATE… You’re sure the Barcelona or the Real Madrid guys aren’t sticking money up your ass?!”

(NOTE: It is highly likely that Barcelona, Real Madrid, Manchester City, or whomever gets him, will, in fact, stick money up his ass.)

“When the going gets tough the tough go get more money. Are you fricking serious!”

I guess the saying is different in England. At least LeBron took less with Miami than he’d have gotten in Cleveland!

“Basically, you’re saying Arsenal are crap. You’re saying we can’t win any more trophies.”

(Cavs fans nod silently in agreement…)

And it was strange timing, indeed. Arsenal is notorious for NOT spending money on players, but they had just made some key moves. They picked up two talented strikers, a German, Lukas Podolski, and a Frenchman, Oliver Giroud. This dude is a fan, and he knows this. But he’s wondering, has van Persie been reading the blogs? Is he scouring the Twitterverse? Does he read The Guardian? Does he know the team is trying to get better? DOES HE KNOW WE TRADED FOR ANTAWN JAMISON?!?

“PODOLSKI. He can score goals. He’s German; he knows what to do! We also scored that French guy.”

(How could you leave when we just got a German man?!?!? He’s German. Germans know what to do! Their economy is thriving! Getting a German is like a guaranteed championship!)

And then come the insults. No rant is complete without personal attacks.

“You think you’re better than everyone. You think you’re fricking Ronaldo or Messi. Sh-UT UP, MAN!… Look how well you did in the Euros… Oh wow you just scored one goal… BENDTNER SCORED FRICKING TWO GOALS, MATE. TWO BLOODY GOALS, MATE. FRICKING BENDTNER! FRICKING BENDTNER. ARE YOU FRICKING MAD? ARE YOU FRICKING MAD? BENDTNER. BENDTNER… BENDTNER. BENDTNER, mate. BENDTNER. BENDTNER, wow. BENDTNER.

(Nicklas Bendtner is another striker for Arsenal, one who came with extraordinary expectations, but has become a punchline. He was shockingly solid for Denmark in Euro 2012. He’s basically Joe Johnson, if Joe Johnson had his same contract, but performed like Johan Petro, and was loaned to another team. Yeah, Arsenal fans don’t like him. The 10 mentions of him weren’t hyperbolic; they were necessary.)

Then comes the inability to speak. And the retaliation, video-game style. The dude goes into FIFA, and sells van Persie from his “Ultimate Team.” But that’s not enough. He buys him again, just to get his hopes up. And then, boom. SELL. And if that’s not enough, buy and sell for a third time. PEACE, BITCH.

Finally, the conclusion, washing his hands of the betrayed. “Disgusting.” Oh, and van Persie still has one more season on his contract. Imagine LeBron announcing The Decision a year before his free agency. And he announced it on his website. Yuck. This. Is. Chaos. Good luck surviving a year of angry hooligans, Robin. Hope you get a transfer, soon.

[h/t reddit]