Bracket Of Brackets: It’s Muppets Vs. Beer, Just As God Intended

  • Rick Chandler

Our glorious Bracket of Brackets Tournament has reached the championship game, and was there ever any doubt? It’s Muppets vs. Beer for all the glory. When you get down to it, isn’t that pretty much the only two things you need for a fulfilling life? And when you combine a Muppet and some beer, that must be what it’s like in Heaven.

This photo was captioned ‘Kermit enjoying a brew’, but I believe it’s actually Robin, Kermit’s nephew. Which makes this “Contributing to the Delinquency of a Muppet” — a Class B felony in most states. I’m sorry you kids had to see this. Please move on to the Lingerie Football League post.

Beer had an impressive win the the semifinals, defeating Sexiest Woman Alive. The game occurred right around 2 a.m., which explains the outcome: beer always skews perceived beauty at that hour. Then, the Muppets earned a hard-fought victory over Best Super Powers, led by Super Grover, who possesses elements of both.

Stay tuned for the exciting unveiling of our champion on Wednesday. It will be better than Kentucky-Wichita State, and with less Pitino.

Here’s a rundown of the top 16 seeds:

1. High School Girls (Shaker High, Albany, N.Y.). Stupid and cruel … but isn’t this how Facebook got invented?

2. Super Powers (Blockbuster). If “Time Travel” doesn’t win, I’m going back in time to make sure it does.

3. Muppets ( In this the age of gay rights appreciation, it’s only appropriate that Bert and Ernie won this.

4. Actual NCAA Basketball Tournament Bracket (NCAA). Bo-ring.

5. NCAA Mascots (SB Nation). Possibly the hottest, smelliest of all the bracket tournaments.

6. Best Sitcom Episode Ever (SplitSider). All kinds of problems with this one, but they’ve got “Fawlty Towers” in there, so we give it a pass.

7. Saved By The Bell (The Desonesto Doctrine). Screech as unstoppable as 1976 Indiana.

8. Drugs. Vs. Alcohol (Jezebel). Unfortunately placement by committee has them facing Beer in the first round. So technically it’s Beer vs. Beer.

9. Beer (A Beer In Hand). Mmmmm, ninth seed (gurgle).

10. Gansett Can (Narragansett Beer). “Narragansett Beer wants consumers to fill out the “Gansett retro can madness” bracket to help select the next can design.”

11. Metal Band Beards ( Need further proof that these seedings were done at random?

13. The Sexiest Woman Alive (Esquire). Wait, alive? Damn.

12. Bracket of Life (Crooks & Liars). Because, Mexican Food.

14. Name of the Year (Name of the Year).

15. Biggest Douchebags. Somehow Jerry Jones didn’t even make it to the region finals.

16. Curse Words. Deadspin. “Asshat” continues to get absolutely no respect.