So “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” has already premiered, but you can get to it until this weekend, and there are spoilers all over the interweb. And if you’re like me, spoiling a high-anticipation movie is just below treason and just above aggravated sexual assault on your list of crimes. So what do you do?
Well, you’ve probably already seen all the trailers (admit it, including the Chinese one) and the posters, and those may have already told us too much. Why isn’t Luke on the one-sheet? Whose corpse is that in the trailer? When did that chick learn how to drive the Millennium Falcon? While you’re interested in the answers, you don’t want to know until you’re in a darkened theatre (okay, that sounded a little creepy).
So in a world where information flies in front of your face faster than Nicki Minaj’s backside, how do you avoid spoilers? Here’s a few suggestions:
Avoid the internet until you see the movie. Shyeah, right. C’mon, that porn’s not going to watch itself. Amiright? You might as well tell everyone not to sleep, drink water, or eat Hot Pockets.
Avoid science fiction/fantasy/nerd/movie websites. While that’s possible, Star Wars has pervaded every corner of the web. The fact that you’re reading this on a sports humor website should be evidence of that.
Avoid people who have seen it. Honestly, this is not within your power. They’re coming after you like walkers surrounding Glen on a dumpster. They want to tell you what they saw and ruin it for you. Why? They’re assholes.
Just read SportsGrid. Nah, we’re assholes, too. If you hear us say anything, throw a Janta knife at us.
Get on an airplane and stay in the air until you can see it. You know that stewardess who is pissed off at you for calling her a “stewardess” is going to ruin it just to get back at you. Even the captain (who probably thinks he’s Han Solo) will say something. If there were ever a time for the air marshall to pull out their gun…
Avoid social media. This one has to be the worst, as the demographic for Star Wars is zero to nine-five years old, with the sweetspot being around 50 (the people who were tweens when the first movie came out in 1977). That means the worst place to go is likely FaceBook (not that you got there), as your parents and their “friends” are totally geeking out about it right now.
Okay, so unless you see the movie right now, you’re caught between a Sarlaac and Kylo Ren. Wait, you don’t know who Kylo Ren is? Well in the new movie he… *thunk* AHHHHHHH!
Photo via Mayokopp (Imgur)
David Young has been a columnist for ESPN and Sports Illustrated and is currently watching the new Star Wars movie (no really).