Alabama Man Shoots His Television Because Caitlyn Jenner Won An ESPY
Jake ODonnell 04:45 pm, July 17th, 2015
When a YouTube video involving the symbolic destruction of a tube television begins with the phrase "after much thought," you have to pause. Really? You're actually letting us know that you've crunched the numbers and concluded that shooting your television in protest of a transgendered person getting an award makes any sense? Ok. Great. Let's take it from the top...
"After much thought and being sickened by what I've seen on TV -- and it keeps getting worse," he starts out. "The final straw last night was ABC and ESPN giving this nutcase an award for courage, so I've decided to remove this portion a garbage from my life."
BREAKING: Irate citizen calls Caitlyn Jenner "a nutcase" while standing alone in woods, filming YouTube video of a black and white photo of her taped to his TV.
We still have more questions. Is this guy saying the television itself is "garbage" or is he referring to the networks he sees on the television? Because we're almost positive public landfills wouldn't accept that ancient thing. It's objectively a piece of garbage even without the bullet holes. Moreover, we're wondering if this guy thinks that ABC and ESPN literally exist inside his television? Does he not know that these heathen TV programs he's disgusted by are merely relayed to his television from somewhere else? Is he even aware that the illuminati broadcasts all television signals from their headquarters inside a volcano using gay climate science? What a ding-dong!
After running out of breath reading the first two sentences of his television's last rights, our buddy here took the time to fill-in some the holes in his manifesto in the YouTube video's description.
"I'm sick of the sickoe crap big media is pushing on america. So I decided that I had enough..so as of today no more perverted nasty garbage will enter my home..I forgot t o load my tool of destruction making this video..please forgive my narrative.."
We will update this post when ABC inevitably responds to this man's moral objection by replacing all of its programming with closed circuit footage of whitetailed deer getting run over by monster trucks. America!
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