‘Deadwood’ Is Returning, So Let’s Count All The F-Bombs Over The Original Three-Season Run
If you know me, then you know that Deadwood is my all-time favorite TV drama, followed distantly by Game of Thrones, Fargo, and for some reason Veep, even though I've never seen it. The fact that Deadwood ended after three seasons without us knowing the fates of Doc Cochrane, Al Swearengen and Seth Bullock has always pained me -- because there was supposed to be a fourth season, but it got scuttled when creator David Milch went off to make John From Cincinnati.
No, I've got my eye on you, HBO.
But lo and behold, nine years following the demise of Deadwood, it has risen from the ashes. Following a backroom deal which no doubt included the reluctant presence of Cy Tolliver, and Johnny breaking out the peaches, HBO has greenlit a Deadwood movie, which Milch will write and presumably direct. No word on exactly when this will appear, but the promise of some closure draped in 19th Century profanity has me over the moon.
And speaking of profanity, it's probably no secret to anyone that Deadwood had more per capita swear words than any TV show ever, as shown in my three personal favorite Deadwood phrases:
1. "San Francisco cocksucker" (Mr. Wu's pigs are my spirit animals).
2. "Fucking dirt worshipers" (which is what Swearengen called Native Americans ... and is, by the way, the leading candidate to replace the "Redskins" nickname.
And of course ...
3. "God rest the souls of that poor family... and pussy's half price for the next 15 minutes."
Of course, the word "fuck" was a Deadwood staple, in fact appearing so many times that scripts would have been limited to two or three pages without it. But the natural question, especially on a sports site, is how man times did "fuck" show up during the show's three-year run? Let's go to the statistics:
Total fucks in series: 2,980
Cumulative series Fucks Per Minute (FPM): 1.56
Total fucks in Season Three: 1,050
Average fucks per episode: 87.5
Cumulative Season Three FPM: 1.73
Total fucks in Season Two: 1,099
Average fucks per episode: 91.6
Cumulative Season Two FPM: 1.76
Total fucks in Season One: 831
Average fucks per episode: 69.3
Cumulative Season One FPM: 1.23
That's an impressive career FPM -- a record that is likely more untouchable than Cy Young's 511 career wins or Ty Cobb's .366 career batting average.
So let's look deeper. Which episode had the most fucks? That would be Season Three's "Full Faith and Credit," with an impressive 137. That's an astounding FPM of 2.69 -- a mark I doubt could be even approached by Tommy Lasorda, Bobby Knight or William Tecumseh Sherman on their best day.
It's really no surprise that this episode is No. 1 in fucks as, if memory serves, it's the episode in which Mrs. Garrett opens a bank, and Trixie has to learn how to keep accounts. It was a rough slog. Minutes 10 through 19 of that episode featured 37 fucks, for a FPM of 4.11 over the nine-minute span, which is truly mind-boggling. Also:
Total "cocksuckers" in Episode Twenty-Eight (Season 3): 7
Ratio of fucks-to-cocksuckers: 19.6 : 1
So welcome back, Deadwood. We hope we don't have too wait too long for the movie. Or, to put it in the context of this story:
E.B. FARNUM: Be brief.
CALAMITY JANE: Be fucked!
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