Dear God Someone Stop Mickey Rourke From Doing This
Please, someone -- preferably an adult -- stop Mickey Rourke from embarrassing himself.
No, not in his professional boxing return tonight in Moscow against 29-year-old Elliot Seymour. Stop him from training on camera, looking like an energy drink personified.
Let's make some jokes about how massively stupid the 62-year-old actor appears in the RT News video above:
- Mickey Rourke is going for a look that can only be described as "if Justin Bieber was a playable character in Final Fantasy VII."
- Mickey Rourke's tattoos are meant to impress women who've killed people with knives.
- Mickey Rourke trains in Russia because it's the only place where he's not consistently the weirdest 62-year-old metrosexual in the room.
- Mickey Rourke found those tiny white boxer briefs on the floor of a tanning salon.
- Mickey Rourke developed his boxing strategy from observing nature -- specifically the peacock, which distracts its opponents with flowery plumage and then weirds them out until they leave.
- Mickey Rourke is fighting again only because he considers it "an inexpensive alternative" to getting more work done on his face.
- Mickey Rourke's e-meter readings say he is the messiah we've all been waiting for.
- Mickey Rourke's abs look pretty good for a guy who's 62 and probably drunk most of the time.
- Mickey Rourke prepares for boxing matches the same way he prepares for late night interviews: Borrows a wig from a Japanese transvestite, does 500 sit-ups a day, spars, eats only lean protein.
- Mickey Rourke is just your stereotypical Real Housewives of New Jersey alum.
- The scariest part about Mickey Rourke is that he's a legitimate boxer and an excellent actor, yet somehow manages to make both of those things seem incredibly uncool.
For good measure, here's Rourke's first professional bout from 1991, which took place in Florida (duh). His career record is 6-0-2, though he's batting .1000 when it comes to making everyone on Earth feel uncomfortable.
No one stopped Mickey Rourke from doing this. Rourke beat Elliot Seymour by way of knockout, er, something, in the second-round after sending the 29-year-old (who has a 1-9 record) to the canvass twice.
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