Home Alone Was A Lie: ER Doctors Say Wet Bandits Would Have Likely Been Killed By Kevin McCallister’s Traps
December 9 / Rick Chandler / SportsGrid
In the spirit of the joyous holiday season, we bring you this: Your favorite Christmas movie is a lie. Doctors and ER personnel have deconstructed Home Alone, the 1990 Chris Columbus film that vaulted Macaulay Culkin to stardom and made Christmas safe for slapstick humor once again. Their verdict? Well, see below.
But suffice it to say that Harry and Marv, the "Wet Bandits" who throughout the film are being pummeled like ISIS, probably would have never even made it into Kevin's house. In two instances, say medical experts, their injuries likely would have killed them. At the very least they'd be confined to wheelchairs for life -- eating through tubes and enduring endless skin grafts and other operations. In other words, it would have been Home Alone 2: Colostomy Bags.
Doctors breaking it down, via The Daily Mail:
-- BB gun shot to groin: genitals trauma, possible ruptured testicles.
-- Slipping down icy steps: injury to lower thoracic and lumbar regions of the back, possible lacerated spleen, kidney damage, broken bones.
-- Nail through foot: bleeding, nerve damage, possible infection.
-- Grasping red-hot doorknob: Blistering, skin turns black, hand does not, however, emit smoke.
-- Blowtorch to head: Second- or third-degree burns, synthetics in hat melted to hair, possible death.
-- Hit in head by swinging cans of paint: ocular fractures, nasal fractures, possible internal bleeding.
-- Crowbar to chest: cracked sternum. "You can open up their aorta and central veins, and they could bleed to death."
-- Hot iron to the face: corneal burn, severe head trauma, severe skin burn.
It's as I suspected when I first saw the movie: Kevin's defenses are more than adequate for the threat presented. In fact it's overkill. But the whole thing is preposterous anyway, because instead of hours of burglar booby-trap preparation, all that Kevin needed was a large airhorn. Neighbors would have been streaming from their houses in protest, and the cops would have been on the scene in seconds.
Then the Wet Bandits would have really been in trouble. These are Chicago cops, after all.
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