Family Argument No. 392: Turkey Day Fantasy Food Draft!
Football and food just go together like beer and more beer. It just makes sense.
Whether you’re talking about a Super Bowl party platter or a wide array of snacks, chips and dips at your Fantasy Football draft, it’s tough to separate football and food.
Little known fact: Teddy Roosevelt nearly named the game “Foodball” when he invented it while fighting in China during World War II.
So it only makes sense that – as a Fantasy Football analyst and a fat guy – I sit down and work up a Turkey Day Fantasy draft, to discover what the best kinds of Turkey Day foods people are eating.
Turkey Day Fantasy Food Draft
Imagine you’re at dinner at Gammy’s house, ready to sit down for a holiday dinner with 11 family members and friends. But your Gammy explains that there’s just not enough for everyone to share, so each person is going to only be able to eat ONE thing!
Obviously, some people would want to trade some of their food for some of someone else’s, but we don’t allow that in this family. Obviously, this family is quite territorial and insecure, and we love them for it.
So what would you draft first in a Fantasy Food draft?
1. Roast Turkey
I know it’s a safe pick, but that’s what you do with the first overall pick. You want something that will satisfy you and not leave you hungry. A good roast turkey – both white and dark meat – has the most flavor and variety, plus protein to fill you up. This is the LaDainian Tomlinson of Fantasy Food Drafts.
2. Mashed Potatoes and Gravy
There’s no getting around this one – mashed potatoes makes life worth living. The gravy usually has chunks of some roast turkey in it, and you can have it however you want – whipped, lumpy, creamy, whatever. (I prefer mine with some liumps for texture! Whipped potatoes are too pasty for me.) Mashed taters are your Adrian Petersons of the Fantasy Food Draft world.
3. Pecan Pie
Yeah, that just happened. I went off the board and grabbed a dessert with the third overall pick. This is like Le’Veon Bell before the 2015 Fantasy season. You know he’s suspended for a couple games, and you know pecan pie doesn’t have any meat in it like a first course should have. But you know you’ll be winning as the season/meal enters the second half.
4. Sweet Potato Casserole
Listen, I wouldn’t be upset if we swapped the fourth and fifth picks, taking green beans over sweet potatoes. But even detractors of this awesome side dish have to agree that getting a starch AND marshmallows in one dish is just a win-win. I’d say this is like a dual-threat Matt Forte kinda pick – versatile on the ground and in the air.
“It’s dessert! It’s a side dish! It’s dessert! … It’s a sidessert!”
5. Green Bean Casserole
It might be a stretch to say that this is the first vegetable dish, since that might imply it’s a healthy meal. But a good green bean casserole, with cream of mushroom soup and French’s fried onions sprinkled on top, is hard to beat in any draft. Figure this is the thing everyone gets seconds of, well after they’ve dodged seconds on potatoes or turkey. Since it’s kinda the first veggie, we’ll say this is like an Antonio Brown pick – the first wide receiver among a sea of running backs.
Things can go sooo bad when you blindly take some stuffing. It might look good, smell great and sound fantastic – but salmonella poisoning or just bad flavor could mean you drafted a really big bust. For my money, I’m rolling with Stove Top Stuffing like a baus and I don’t care who knows about it. That’s right – a boxed stuffing for this fat guy. Real stuffing is difficult to do right, without it just being mushy bread. Without question, this is a risky pick – which is like taking a quarterback in the first round, like Andrew Luck. Oh my.
7. Macaroni and Cheese
This might not be a traditional food for Turkey Day, but if someone makes it, you know it’s going to get eaten! And while potatoes might be the starch of the day ‘round these parts, mac and cheese serves us well in this draft as it’s basically a main dish disguised as a side dish. Protein, starchy, cheesy richness! It’s like when Bo Jackson used to play for the Raiders after the baseball season – he’s not supposed to be there, but we’re all glad he came!
8. Cornbread, Parker House Rolls or Buttermilk Biscuits
Make no mistake – you only get one version of the above, not some of all three! But I figure the breads (with butter) should all get lumped in together. Warm breads slathered in butter is what makes humans better than animals. It’s simple biology, folks. This is sorta like an Eddie Lacy pick – doughy.
9. Pumpkin Pie
I’m sure you would’ve taken pumpkin pie a few picks earlier, but I’m just not buying it. Sure, it’s great with a dumptruck of Cool Whip dropped on top of it, but really, it’s barely edible. I don’t mind the pumpkin spice proliferation in everything else we eat and drink, but the texture of pumpkin pie filling is not unlike canned dog food. Trust me! This is the C.J. Anderson pick of the day. No thanks.
10. Glazed Carrots
It’s healthy! … ish. Taking a root vegetable and covering it in melted butter and brown sugar is what makes this country great! It’s yet another great “sidessert” that can’t figure out exactly what it is, but we do know you can file it under tasty. Demaryius Thomas has this feel – and he’s always in orange!
11. Cranberry Sauce
It’s a huge debate within itself – do you want the chunky cranberry sauce or the *thwwwwwwock* gel that slides out in the exact same form of the can it previously inhabited? As a kid, I was all about the gel – but as an adult, I supremely enjoy the sourness of the chunky sauce. It’s like Peyton Manning – sweet as a youngster, but not he’s kinda souring on everyone.
Yep. Corn. The last pick. The last thing on the table. But really, life is still pretty awesome if you’re left with a huge bowl of buttered, salt-and-peppered corn! It’s like ending up with Rob Gronkowski … you could do much worse!
I understand I left of some favorites, like Brussel sprouts and acorn squash, but they’ll have to wait to get snatched up in Round 2. Not every food can be a first-round pick in our Turkey Day Fantasy Food Draft! Right, beets?
Photo Credit: Getty Images
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