Bernie Kosar’s DUI Report Is Good For A Laugh, If You’re The Dark Comedy Type

  • Eric Goldschein

bernie kosarBernie Kosar added yet another footnote onto his sad list of post-NFL achievements this weekend by getting arrested for DUI. Kosar has had alcohol and financial problems before, but he maintains that sometimes he merely appears drunk because concussions have so muddled his brain. We weren’t with Bernie on Saturday night/Sunday morning, so we can’t say for sure that he was drunk while driving. But if this police report is all we have to go on, it sounds like he was bombed.

The report, which was just made public, details the arresting officer’s experience with Kosar in Solon, OH. Let’s break it down (via The Big Lead):

“I observed a black Cadillac… in a construction zone with workers present and the speed limit was set to 50mph… I observed a steady speed of 74mph.”

Going 24 miles an hour over the speed limit at 2:40 a.m. with workers present? Not the best way to avoid suspicion.

“I asked the driver for his license and he handed me two credit cards. I asked him if he had his driver’s license and he pointed to the credit cards as if he had already given me his license.”

Already off to a bad start.

“I asked Mr. Kosar if he had anything to drink tonight and [he] stated that he was helping a friend out tonight.”

Which, as we know, absolves anybody of any crime they commit for the next 12 hours.

“I asked Mr. Kosar if he could recite the alphabet starting at E and ending at W. Mr. Kosar started E, F, G, P, L, M, N, O, Q and from there it trailed on with more letters that were not correct and ended at X.”

To be fair, that sounds like a man who has failed many concussion tests over the years. But still, ha.

“I asked Mr. Kosar if he had any problems that would prevent him from performing the one leg stand… [he] stated that he had a lot of surgeries on his knees and ankles because his line couldn’t block.”

Typical quarterback, blaming the offensive line for his problems.

“I asked Mr. Kosar to take a portable breath test and Mr. Kosar stated that he was told never to take those.”

…because if you’ve been drinking, it will show up on the test?

You can read the whole report here, if you’re so inclined.

Well, I didn’t want to bring something like this up again, because no sense in kicking a guy when he’s down. But I feel it’s important to ask… Bernie, are you embarrassed?

Photo via Busted Coverage