Noooo! Cambridge All-Female Jelly Wrestling Tradition Branded Sexist, Is Banned

  • Rick Chandler

Continuing the steady march of British society toward complete Communist dictatorship, Magdalene College (which is part of the University of Cambridge, England), has discontinued its annual ‘Jelly Wrestling’ competition after it had been deemed sexist by a group of students. That’s some bollocks right there.

Here’s the deal: Magdalene College has a summer party each year which is put on by its all-male Wyverns drinking society. Traditionally, four female students are invited to wrestle each other in a 6-foot kiddie pool filled with jelly.

I see no way this is wrong. Let’s go on.

Magdalene history of art student Nina de Paula Hanika, 19, started a petition last week to ban Jelly Wrestling, deeming it sexist, and gross, as art history majors are wont to do. And by Wednesday she had gathered 1,174 signatures — 174 more than her target. The meddling dedicated student succeeded in getting the attention of the Wyvern group.

In a statement, a representative of the Wyverns said: “The Wyverns regret to announce that this year they will be unable to hold the annual jelly wrestling tournament at WGP13.

“Having never received formal complaints in the past, we were reluctant to take immediate action on the recent petition. However, the anti-jelly vitriol with which the campaign was conducted forced us to take the threats that we received seriously.”

Then, this paragraph happened:

Since the decision, a counter-petition to bring back jelly wrestling currently has 336 signatures, many of them pseudonyms.

Organizers say that there have been no previous complaints, but they’re not taking into account a controversial incident in 2008. At that year’s Jelly Wrestling event, police had to be summoned when one of the wrestlers became unruly.

Dripping in red jelly, Miss Witkowski singled out fellow student Hannah Ford, who (for reasons unknown) was dressed as a butterfly, and promptly punched her on the nose.

As two bouncers moved in, attempting to confiscate a bottle of Lambrini from her, she punched one of them and headbutted the other, leading to police being called.

After accepting a police caution, Miss Witkowski now has a criminal record, having contravened section 39 of the Criminal Justice Act 1988.

To wit:

Any person or persons covered in jelly, or any gelatinous or oil-based substance, who attempts to engage in conduct resulting in bodily harm to any person dressed as an insect, mollusk or arachnid, will be found in violation of Criminal Justice Act 1988 and may receive a a term of not more than 30 days in jail.

Fun fact: Trinity Old Field, the spot where the jelly wrestling assault incident took place, is located on the grounds of 450-year-old Trinity College, whose alumni – apart from Miss Witkowski – include Isaac Newton, Francis Bacon, Andrew Marvell, John Dryden, Lord Byron, Alfred, Lord Tennyson and 32 Nobel laureates.

Fun fact No. 2: “The Anti-Jelly Vitriol toured with Moby Grape.”

Photos via The Independent/The Telegraph.