Though it seems pretty chaotic from afar, there’s a simple calculus to being a celebrity. It goes something like this…
If you ever become famous, keep this in mind. Also, invite us to one of your cool rooftop orgies. Those seem fun!
Derek Jeter spent his entire Major League career without ever once answering a question about his much publicized off-field life as New York’s most eligible bachelor — a title he held for the better part of two decades. When you’ve got that much going for you for that long, you get a lot of “attention,” so much so that even your “attention” gets, well, attention. (Read: everyone knows who you’re sleeping with.)
Jeter’s reclusive love life has made him into modernity’s sexual Pecos Bill, with every story becoming even more ridiculous than the last. He makes people check their cellphones at the door of his apartment. He sits butt naked on his couch watching his own highlights, pounding his chest screaming, “Yeah Jeets! Yeah!” He even gives the women he sleeps with swag bags filled with signed Derek Jeter memorabilia to mitigate the humiliation on their walk of shame.
No joke, The New York Post ran this story back in 2011.
“Derek has girls stay with him at his apartment in New York, and then he gets them a car to take them home the next day. Waiting in his car is a gift basket containing signed Jeter memorabilia, usually a signed baseball,” the friend dished.
“This summer, he ended up hooking up with a girl who he had hooked up with once before, but Jeter seemed to have forgotten about the first time and gave her the same identical parting gift, a gift basket with a signed Derek Jeter baseball,” the pal said.
“He basically gave her the same gift twice because he’d forgotten hooking up with her the first time!”
Turns out none of this is true (at least according to Jeter). Thursday night, Joe Buck asked the retired shortstop-turned-media-mogul about his sexual folklore.
“On top of it, it was a gift basket of my own memorabilia,” Jeter deadpanned. “It’s a dumb story. And you really have to be dumber to believe it. But they believe it!…You guys really believe that? My own memorabilia, I’m signing?…I don’t address [personal rumors] because once you address it, you have to address every single rumor that comes out. And then if one time you don’t, they automatically assume it’s true. So I just chose not to address any rumors out there.”
So there you have it: Derek Jeter isn’t the real-life version of the guy from Fifty Shades Of Grey. He’s just a regular old guy who dates supermodels and pop stars, ok? Thank you, Joe Buck. Thank you for demystifying the post-coital practices of an American icon. Now if you wouldn’t mind, please book Pat Burrell for your next show and get him to clarify some of the salacious stuff out there about his infamous, poo-filled sex life. The public wants answers/pictures.