Kevin Millar’s Nude Teammate Power Rankings Yields Interesting Anecdote About Nude Dan Patrick
October 7 / Jake O'Donnell / SportsGrid
Usually when you talk about what a player has "under his belt," you're referring to his experience. When MLB Network analyst and former Red Sox first baseman Kevin Millar says it, he's referring to, well, something a bit more literal.
Appearing on the Dan Patrick Show Friday to talk about, ya know, baseball-related stuff, Millar was asked a tangential question about his proprietary "shower body rankings." He enthusiastically obliged, setting in motion one of the most cringeworthy on-air conversations in sports talk radio history, which culminated in a very TMI self-assessment of Dan Patrick's nude figure.
"Yeah, Schilling, it was not easy on the shower that we have talked about many times, and Gabe Kapler, he was a very good body in the shower," Millar said. "He is a wonderful man in the shower."
That could've been the end of the conversation right there, but Millar pressed on.
"Let me go down team to team."
"The Florida Marlins in the shower: how about Derek Lee of the Florida Marlins and i was the Chris Davis behind him. Moving on to the the Boston Red Sox and Gabe Kapler there. The Baltimore Orioles -- tough, but Jay Gibbons and Brian Robert -- both of them with the big obliques."
In case you're wondering, Millar's been passed around by more than a few teams (I wonder why?), so he kept going.
"Toronto Blue Jays -- and this is a tough one. Ugh, if I were to say something off of the top of my head, Scott Rowland, a young man out of Bloomington, Indiana. Country strong. Ran Tommy Emanski-type trot around the bases, no show boating, and very nice Trevor Hoffman quads."
You still reading this? Geez. Ok, well here's the pièce de résistance...
"Hey, real quick, Danny," Millar interjected as Patrick was clearly trying to segue into a more relevant topic. "How are you, honest to god if we were teammates and I was doing a radio show about Dan Patrick in the shower, are you average, below average or above average?"
Being the good host that he is, Patrick willingly answered Millar's theoretical question (or, more likely, didn't want to pass up an opportunity to toot his own, um, horn).
"I've been called a five-tool player," Patrick said, insinuating that either, A) Dan Patrick has a humongous penis, or B) Dan Patrick has five penises.
The frontrunner for 2016's Excellence in Journalism Peabody Award, below...
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