14 Campaign Slogans For Curt Schilling’s Doomed Senate Run
Welp, it's happened: after years of threatening to "do something about it," your uncle who posts crudely photoshopped, completely untrue, entirely racist political memes on Facebook has finally decided to "do something about it." This week, bipedal embarrassment machine Curt Schilling appeared on a Rhode Island radio station and let the world know that he plans to run for the Senate seat currently occupied by intellectual heavyweight Elizabeth Warren.
This should be **GREAT**.
Schilling can't even pump out conservative talking points without tripping over his own twist logic and landing in a lengthy discussion about ">the merits of pedaphilia.
Former Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling said on Tuesday that he's planning to run against Sen. Elizabeth Warren in Massachusetts' 2018 Senate race.
The conservative former baseball player, beloved in New England for pitching through a bloody ankle injury in the 2004 playoffs, said that while he still needs to speak to his family, in his mind he's already decided to challenge Warren.
"I've made my decision. I'm going to run," Schilling said on Rhode Island radio station WPRO. "But I haven't talked to Shonda, my wife. And ultimately it's going to come down to how her and I feel this would affect our marriage and our kids."
What a great idea! A man whose business career is defined by monumental failures -- and whose personal life is defined by frequent offending everyone -- throws his hat into the political sphere. (We're not being sarcastic -- this is what a "good idea" looks like in 2016.) But don't sleep on his competition: unseating the incumbent Elizabeth Warren won't be easy, like, say, running a video game company into the ground without even releasing a single game. Massachusetts is one of the most liberal states in the country, so the deck will be stacked against Schilling: a man who treats progressives as if they're the ones squatting in his beach house during the winter. So, as a gesture of political kindness, we've decided to put aside our differences and offer this very angry man some pro bono campaign marketing work. Behold! A packet of 14 totally-not-sarcastic campaign slogans!
Here ya go buddy. Use whatever you'd like...
14) "No Beautiful Child Left Behind"
13) "Posting Memes On Facebook Is Basically The Same Thing As Drafting A Bill, Right?"
12) "It's Game 7 In America"
11) "Yes We Klan!"
10) "I Went Somewhere Called Yavapai College, Which Is Like Harvard For People Who Don't Know Of Any Schools Other Than Yavapai College"
9) "South America First! (Then The Middle East. Then The World.)"
7) "Politically Incorrect, Incorrect Politically, Baseball, Liberty, Something"
6) "I Bled Through My Sock One Time So I Understand What It's Like To Be A Woman"
5) "Three Ks To End Elizabeth Warren's Inning In Office"
4) "Vote For Pedro (Martinez)"
3) "Executing Pitches...And Anyone I Feel Might Be A Terrorist"
2) "I'm With Her(mann Göring)"
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