A Sun Sentinel Writer Compared Marlins Owner Jeffrey Loria To A Fart

  • Dylan Murphy

Before last season, the Miami Marlins franchise was well-versed in the art of salary dumping, routinely packing future stars of the game in neat little boxes for future-future scraps. Owner Jeffrey Loria spearheaded the campaign, until the unveiling of the Marlins’ new ballpark last season compelled him to splurge. And he did, a lot, signing Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle and Heath Bell, among others, as well as hiring a new manager in Ozzie Guillen.

Then the Marlins sucked a lot, and Loria crawled back inside his wallet and dumped literally everyone. By season’s end, Loria had whisked away the likes of Hanley Ramirez, Omar Infante, Anibal Sanchez, Heath Bell, Ozzie Guillen, Jose Reyes, Josh Johnson, Mark Buehrle, Emilio Bonifacio, and John Buck. This, after sucking the city dry to fund his new stadium.

The Miami Dolphins are now in a similar battle, trying to secure the financial resources to rennovate Sun Life Stadium. Dolphins owner Stephen Ross has already committed to paying at least half of the estimated $400 million cost, but an additional $200 million remains.

David Hyde is a Sun Sentinel columnist who is tracking the situation, and he believes Jeffrey Loria’s recent public fund theft is Ross’s biggest obstacle. That, though Loria might not be directly involved in these negotiations, the institutional memory of a city burned by a bailing owner lingers. You know, like a fart.

“Even when the Marlins owner supposedly issued orders for his underlings to stay mum these winter months, Loria hangs in the air at events like Monday’s like passed gas that just won’t pass away.”

Now it’s worth mentioning that no two farts are exactly alike, according to Dr. Lester Gottesman, a protcologist at St. Luke’s Roosevelt in New York City, so the city of Miami should thus be able to deduce that Stephen Ross is not Jeffrey Loria. We’d also like to note that a fart’s smell is directly tied to mommy’s poop at birth, so blaming it all on Jeffrey Loria’s mother would be more appropriate.