A Transcript Of Everything A-Rod Apologized For (Kind Of) At The ESPYs
Alex Rodriguez appeared on Wednesday night's ESPYs broadcast, with Ken Jeong at his side, to, "deliver the public apology we've all been waiting for."
A silent A-Rod stood next to Jeong, as the actor read a statement "from" A-Rod:
"To my fans, fans of baseball, and to fans of fair play everywhere, I'm sorry.
"I'm sorry that Jon Snow died on the season finale of 'Game of Thrones.' And I'm sorry I just spoiled that for some of you. I'm sorry for the water shortage in California and the economic collapse in Greece.
"I'm sorry for Shaq's 'Icy Hot' commercial.
"I'm sorry they canceled Community.
"I'm sorry they brought it back."
"I'm sorry for carrying all of this guilt on my shoulders.
"I'm sorry for gluten -- I invented it.
"I'm sorry you can't run near a swimming pool. I, Alex Rodriguez, slipped and fell once and now it's a rule everywhere.
"I also apologize to Knicks season ticket holders, Knicks individual game ticket holders, and people who watch The Knick on Cinemax.
"I apologize for my inability to grow body hair of any type and I'm sorry for having to plug Dr. Ken, a new show premiering October 2nd, right here on ABC.
"To anyone who has watched The Hangover, I'm sorry you had to see Ken Jeong's penis. It's tiny. It's grossly misshapen. It's unpatriotic."
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