Busch Stadium Tops The List Of Cleanest MLB Bathrooms

  • Dylan Murphy

First of all, there is a website called Urine Feces Everywhere, which apparently discusses hygiene and poop and piss. This post could probably end right here and we’d all go home better people. But alas, it’s not over.

Urine Feces Everywhere (We will not, under any circumstances, call it by its abbreviation, UFE, because that would be a disservice to such a spectacular name.) claims it has assessed the restroom facilities at every Major League ballpark, and determined that the St. Louis Cardinals sport the cleanest facilities in baseball.

So how did they determine this, exactly? We’ll let Urine Feces Everywhere tell you:

“One major area of study was the restrooms. The team took a critical look at the restroom habits of both men and women attending the stadium. Did the fans wash their hands after going to the restroom? Have the ballparks done all they can to encourage hand washing? Does the design of the stadium restroom facilities encourage or discourage proper hand washing by the fans after using the facilities, or does the stadium staff take a blind eye to the happenings in the restroom? For a ballpark restroom to meet top UFE standards, it needs to be 100% touch-less: touch-less soap dispensers, towel ,dispensers, doors, and flushing mechanisms. Remember, we say urine/,feces, but there are many other contagions (fluids, bacteria, viruses, fungi, etc.) that we won’t mention. The UFE mantra is Remember to touch only where no man has touched before. How close does each stadium come to reaching that hands-free goal? Surely some of the new parks are designed to reach that goal, right? You would be surprised!”

It’s appalling that people don’t wash their hands in stadiums. Not beacuse it’s disgusting, but because they’re able to ignore the moral peer pressure and skate on out of there without feeling guilty. Peer pressure is hand-washing’s greatest advocate.

So what did Urine Feces Everywhere find in St. Louis?

“What can you say about Busch Stadium when you consider that it was the only park in our survey to get an “A” rating? One hundred percent of the women wash their hands in the restroom, and the men are not too shabby when it comes to restroom hygiene, either. Busch Stadium is one of the few parks that the UFE (Urine Feces Everywhere) Team would feel comfortable shaking another fan’s hand.”

Clean women, sort of clean men. St. Louis seems like it has nice people, who are therefore particularly susceptible to peer pressure, so this makes sense.

Conversely, the dirtiest stadium is Wrigley Field, which should come as a surprise to no one. That’s what happens when you don’t win a World Series in 583 years: BATHROOM CHAOS.

Note: We were playing around with post titles for this wonderful MLB news update, and came up with the following alternatives:

Busch Stadium: Happy For Poopy
If You Have To Take A Dump, Go To Busch Stadium
Today In Poop: Busch Stadium Has The Cleanest Bathrooms In Baseball
Ca Ca Champs! Busch Stadium #1 For Dookie
Not A Dump: Busch Stadium Is Best For Poopers

We also really liked Hardball Talk’s version, which was “The Cardinals are number one at number one and number two.”

Ultimately we took the safe route, but know that we really enjoyed that 12-minute GChat conversation.

[Urine Feces Everywhere, via Hardball Talk]

Photo via Getty