Derek Jeter Is Going To Have Sex With Your Girlfriend

  • Dan Fogarty

New York Yankees captain Derek Jeter has broken up with his girlfriend, Minka Kelly. He is back to being single after spending three years off the market, and some reports even say he was close to getting engaged.

But like a wily veteran who flirts with the thought of retirement before ultimately realizing that he has one or two more good seasons left in him, Derek Jeter has returned to the singles scene after an unprecedented amount of time away.

What does this mean for you, likely college-educated male reader between the ages of 18-35? Well, if you reside within (or in the immediate vicinity of) the city of New York, we have some bad news: it means Derek Jeter is going to have sex with your girlfriend. Probably within the next few weeks.

“Why?” you might ask. “Why would a 12-time All-Star and 5-time World Champion want to have sex with my girlfriend?”

Well. Why must the conquistador explore the farthest reaches of the globe? Why must the lion rule over everything the light touches in his jungle? Why must the conqueror conquer? He is El Capitán, mi amigo. He will not rest until all of New York has been sexed.

Like the shinobi ninjas of the Tokugawa clan, Derek Jeter will utilize a stealthy approach to having sex with your girlfriend. He will come to your favorite bar or nightclub without much fanfare, and occupy a corner table for he and his cohorts to discuss past conquests… and to plot new ones. Word will travel among the women that he is there, and it is also possible that you (and your buddies) will be aware of his presence at some point before the night ends.

But by then it will be too late. He will have already sent his personal trainer to inform your girlfriend that Derek Jeter is leaving the bar or nightclub to go to some undisclosed location, and would she like to join him? She will have accepted the invitation, and by the time you turn around and ask one of her friends “Hey, where did [Your Girlfriend’s Name] go?” she will have already stepped into a waiting SUV. Derek Jeter will, literally, be in and out before you know what happened.

So, yes, male citizens of New York: Derek Jeter is going between the sheets with your girl. He’s going to hit the skins with your old lady. He is, for lack of a better term, in there like swimwear. It is a discouraging realization, we know. But the sooner you come to terms with it, the better it is for everyone.