SPORTSGRID INVESTIGATES: Who Has Kidnapped Wally the Green Monster?

  • Matt Rudnitsky

Pictured above is Wally The Green Monster (right), with close friend Mr. Met. The two bonded over a mutual hatred for the New York Yankees and the late George Steinbrenner’s black-hole wallet.

Wally The Green Monster, the verdant, playful Boston Red Sox mascot and lifetime resident of Fenway Park, has gone missing early Friday afternoon.

“It is Wally the Green Monster that has been stolen,” Officer Nicole Grant told the Herald.

A call came in for a larceny in progress at 2:22 p.m. from an address at the corner of Boylston and Dartmouth streets. The culprit was last seen in the area of Boylston and Fairfield streets, police report. Police have also checked the Common to see if Wally was taking a stroll through the park.

It’s a strange and unfortunate situation. Police say Mr. Monster has been “stolen,” and seem to think he is simply a costume that can be worn by anyone, rather than an actual being himself. It’s disconcerting to think law enforcement is basing its actions on this misconception.

This is all in the wake of our “Top 5, Dead or Alive: Best Mascots of All Time” list, in which Wally did not make the cut.

The unfortunate coincidence has already led to our esteemed website being counted as the prime suspect.

We assure you, however, that we are in no way involved and just recently were alerted to the situation. Despite our headquarters being based in New York, we respect Wally’s work and are doing everything in our power to get to the bottom of this.

We’ve looked over the facts of the case, and we have some theories.

Wally may simply be depressed

Again, police seem to think there is a man walking around in a Wally costume, rather than this being a case of Wally simply running away. The Red Sox are having an uncharacteristically bad season, and it’s understandable if Wally is depressed. We hope this isn’t the case, but it shouldn’t be discounted.

Monsters may be tough on the outside, but they feel emotional pain just as you and I do.

A-Rod is a suspect.

The evidence against Alex Rodriguez, Yankees third baseman, is merely circumstantial. But it exists.

A-Rod was last seen by SportsGrid at Cafe Duke around 2pm yesterday, where he entered with a beautiful, well-muscled blonde woman. He remained in the Cafe for approximately three minutes, and was overheard saying “This is a good store.”

There are rumblings around SportsGrid HQ that he may have been gathering supplies for an extended kidnapping, in which he won’t be able to go out in public. Rodriguez was in a bad mood, refusing to shake a diehard fan’s hand because of the broken hand he recently suffered.

His unpleasant disposition, recent opening of free time due to the injury, his well-known hatred for the Red Sox (and the fact that we didn’t see him at Cafe Duke today) has led us to believe he may be involved.

Raymond, the Tampa Bay Rays mascot, also may be up to something.

Again, this is all circumstantial. But as Wikipedia notes, Raymond — also disgruntled with his team’s performance — doesn’t care for Mr. Monster.

Wally has an ongoing rivalry with Tampa Bay Rays’ mascot Raymond. Before the Red Sox play a series in Tampa Bay, Raymond typically attacks or pranks either Wally or the visiting broadcast booth where the miniature Wally stays with Remy and Don Orsillo. Raymond’s more publicized attacks have involved running Wally over with a four-wheeler and hanging over 40 miniature Raymond dolls in the visiting broadcasters’ booth.

It’s clear that Raymond has some sort of motive, or is at least just a generally horrible person. His violent history and the attempted assassination via a four-wheeler are major red flags.

Douchebag Yankee fans, in general, are the prime suspects.

We’ve been making calls around New York City, and our sources say that Yankees fans have an extreme distate for Wally and his employers. As a Yankee fan, I can personally say that most fans are innocent, but sources also say there is a high level of douchbaggery among many Bronx Bomber fans.

If you see someone who looks like this, speaking LOWD-LEE LIKE DIS BRO, or has on similar cocksucker attire, please alert the local authorities. Again, not all Yankees fans are suspects, but men of this ilk are.

Tweet @Mattrud or @SportsGrid if you have any information on the whereabouts of Wally.

UPDATE: Wally has been found. We told you we didn’t do it.

[Boston Herald]