The Yankees Genius Strategy For Success: Get As Old As Possible

  • Jake O'Donnell

Can you have two DH spots? What about seven? Is there a pitching equivelent of the designated hitter? Like, you just have to go out there with a glove and feed balls into a pitching machine? No?

Well then what in the holy hell is Brian Cashman doing?

A day after letting Robinson Cano walk (to a team he was clearly using for leverage and DID NOT want to go to), the New York Yankees signed former Met/WWII paratrooper Carlos Beltran. He’s 36. And now he has a three-year deal worth $45 million. You can’t make this stuff up. Last year they were the oldest team in baseball by a full year (31). It’s like they’re trying to build a high end convalescent home on River Ave.

Some of you might say this is a transitional period for the Yankees, who are waiting for 2014 when some of those older contracts dry up. Why? To make a move for LeBron James? There’s simply no reason a professional sports team, at any point and for any reason, should look like the 11 AM shuffleboard league at Shady Oaks retirement community. Here’s a list of some of the dinosaurs that roam the Bronx:

Derek Jeter, Ichiro (40)
A-Rod, Soriano, Hiroki Kuroda (38)
Beltran (36)
Wells (35)
Mark Teixeira (34)
CC Sabathia (33)

The irony? The only old player who left this offseason was Mariano Rivera (44) — and he was the only one still at the top of his game. The rest of these guys (besides Kuroda and possibly Soriano) are tanking harder than the Utah Jazz. Sure, signing Brian McCann (29) and Jacoby Ellsbury (30) brought down the team’s cumulative prune intake, but that doesn’t mean come August, we won’t be talking about a lineup of minor leaguers filling in for a bunch of broken down players who fell trying to get the mail.

What’s more, Ellsbury was just signed to a $153 million contract over a seven year period, meaning this team is planning to have old people on it for the foreseeable future. Why? Does wisdom score runs? Do adult diapers win games? Does shaming your relatives into coming to visit you have a good on base percentage?

Until the Yankees get serious about signing the right YOUNG players, they’ll never see a World Series again.