7 Reasonable Excuses For Why LaMarcus Aldridge Has A ‘For Sale’ Sign In Front Of His Portland Home
One of the most intriguing stories of the upcoming NBA free agency period is what LaMarcus Aldridge will do. Most of the league's restricted free agents -- Jimmy Butler, Kawhi Leonard, Draymond Green -- are expected to stay put. Of the elite unrestricted free agents (a class which includes Grizz big man Marc Gasol and Clippers defensive anchor DeAndre Jordan), Aldridge is considered the most likely to leave his current team, despite earlier proclamations to the contrary. That'd be a crushing blow to a Trail Blazer team which was a fringe title contender this year.
Rumors have swirled about Aldridge's possible destinations outside of Portland, most notably Cleveland (where he could replace Kevin Love) and San Antonio (where he could replace, or perhaps team with, Tim Duncan). The most likely scenario I can come up with, as a Knicks fan, is that James Dolan gives him a fat contract and he promptly blows out both knees and loses an eye in his first game at Madison Square Garden. Those first two options are legitimately scary, however.
Portland fans would be crushed if Aldridge leaves and are holding out hope that this is all just a bad dream. Well, here's more nightmare fuel for you, you fixie-riding, flannel-wearing vegans:
One month before free agency begins...and LaMarcus Aldridge's Portland home is for sale. Take it for what it's worth. #Blazers
— Amy Schwartz (@TheAmySchwartz) June 4, 2015
Well. Um. Shit. This doesn't necessarily mean he's skipping town, right? Let's think of, say, seven excuses for why this might be happening:
1. He doesn't like his house. We've all been there. You live in a place for awhile, and then you think, nah, fuck this place, it doesn't even have a Moon Door, I'm out of here. And so you look for something else, maybe in another neighborhood, because you're tired of seeing Jerry walk his dog around the same block every single morning, and there isn't even a good Blockbuster nearby anymore.
2. He's about to take a paycut and needs to downgrade his lifestyle. Maybe Aldridge is trying to form a Big Three or Four of his own in Portland. If he takes a significant pay cut, maybe he can get the Blazers to pony up for DeAndre Jordan and Dwyane Wade (who might be leaving Miami this summer). And if he's going to make less, he needs to live less ostentatiously. Hence the search for a new house.
3. He's a troll. He just wants to mess with you, Portland. Stop taking this shit so seriously.
4. It's such a mess inside he can't even bring himself to clean or fix it. And he saw a cockroach in the kitchen, which freaked him out. Fuck it, man. He's rich enough. Just go buy another pad.
5. He's got a keen mind for real estate and he sees the market is hot right now. Portland's real estate market is on fire, so much so that prospective buyers are doing things like offering owners free pizza for life in exchange for accepting their bid. LaMarcus wants that pizza, bruh.
6. He's going to go live like a monk, praying and meditating in the woods until he wins a title. I dunno, man, seven reasons is a lot.
7. He's leaving. Yeah, this is probably it.
Photo via Getty
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