Breaking Down Dwyane Wade’s Message To His Younger Self
Perhaps in a belated attempt at participating in Back To The Future Day, Dwyane Wade posted a photograph of himself embracing his younger self, captioned with a bunch of spoilers about what he should expect. It was uniquely bizarre, not only because his younger self will not be receiving the social media posting, but also because it appears to have been written by a fifth-grader.
We've translated it for you, below. You're welcome.
TRANSLATION: Dear me in 2002, it's you from the future. I'm contacting you to report that 13 years from now your spelling and grammar do not improve. This changes nothing. Also, this is called "Instagram," it's like MySpace for pictures of food and sending your younger self poorly photoshopped inspirational messages.
you will go thru UPS and DOWNS you're gonna lose your way and feel lost but i promise you you will find your way..
TRANSLATION: You're going to win a ring and an NBA Finals MVP award very soon, get married, get divorced, re-marry a celebrity, then get caught cheating on her, then everyone's gonna say you gave her herpes, then you'll apologize to her (on Instagram, obviously), then your knees will start to break, then everyone will leave your team, then everyone will come to your team, then everyone will leave your team again, then everyone will come to your team again. You're going to be rich the entire time so none of this will really matter.
Basketball is going to take you places you've only imagine in your dreams, and beyond...
TRANSLATION: You know those steamy latin orgies you think about when you lie in your shitty dorm room? Ya, those. You know the things you imagine while floating on the temporal plane beyond your dreams? Ya, those things, too.
On the court don't hold anything back, what you do now will set the plate for you and your families future. oh btw you will have a beautiful supportive family. They're gonna let you lead and when you fall they will be there to pick you up and wait for you to walk back to the front and lead again..
TRANSLATION: Listen man, shoot the rock...and just when you think you've taken too many shots, shoot it some more. Shoot it until your hands fucking bleed. You're going to have a beautiful family with very lavish tastes, so a PPG average in the mid-20s will go a long way in providing for them. Oh, and I know it says "families," but I swear you'll only have one. Or two. Like I said, your understanding of basic grammar does not improve in the coming decade. In many ways it gets worse. If this bums you out, just think about the steamy latin orgies again.
Go enjoy an amazing life young bull!!!
TRANSLATION: Congratulations, you've got an incredible basketball career ahead of you! So good, in fact, that everyone will give you a pass for ditching the Jordan brand for some random Chinese company no one's heard of...and having braces as a 30-year-old man. You'll be like the NBA's Tom Cruise. It's gonna be so great, I swear. You are an adolescent male cow!
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