Bedridden Kobe Bryant Tells Us His Ass Needs To Be Washed While Live-Tweeting The Lakers Spurs Game

  • Jake O'Donnell

In case you haven’t heard, Kobe Bryant doesn’t get out much anymore. Cooped up all day in a hospital bed, Kobe’s only contact with the non-medical world has been via the interweb. Tweets. Instagram photos. 3 AM incoherent drug induced Facebook status updates.

Ahem. Slowly but surely, he’s going insane.

Who could blame him, though? He should be upsetting the lackluster Spurs right now. He should be making that weird face he makes when he gets excited. He should be distracting foul shooters. Alas, he is reserved to posting his thoughts online. Post. Post. Post.

Today, Kobe is live-tweeting the Laker game like a fan. It’s actually pretty cool to see how excited he clearly is about watching the playoffs — the first time he’s done so since the 2004-05 — and probably the first time he’s done so with a rooting interest since his dad played in them 30 years ago. I imagine him sitting there, in his Craftmatic adjustable bed, waving a pennant, wearing Lakers pajamas, noshing on popcorn….

Then he Instagrams this TMI bomb.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “OMG Kobe Bryant poops!” Of course he does. Scientists estimate that close to 70% of all people do. But the question should be why? Why are you washing your own ass? Why can’t the sexy nurse wash your ass? You’re Kobe Bryant. You could get a heart surgeon to wipe your ass. Jack Nicholson. Hell, Jack Nicklaus. Why is this a problem in your life?

This lack of cleanliness is clearly affecting his mood. Check out this agressive-ass-related-tweet aimed at his teammates.

How about you get your ass to a shower/stop talking about asses so much. It seems like every week, there’s some quote about you referencing someone else’s ass. Considering you and butts have a checkered past, you should find a better way to express yourself. We’ll keep you updated if things get weirder from here.