Let’s Make Fun Of Steph Curry’s Sneakers, K?
In less than a decade, Under Armour has emerged from relative obscurity to become the third largest apparel company in the world. Much of their success can be attributed to the athletes they've signed, which happens to include the best basketball (Curry), baseball (Harper) and football (Brady) players on the planet. But the flipside of their success story isn't quite as sexy.
Let's face it: despite making gains among younger demographics, Under Armour still kind of represents something horribly uncool. That's because U.A. rode it's way to the top of the apparel game on the sweaty backs of our flabby dads, who for some reason thought skintight neoprene workout gear looked good on their pear-shaped dad bods.
Nothing justifies this sentiment more than the newest sneakers they've dramatically rolled out for Steph Curry -- their Michael Jordan, mind you -- during his second-consecutive NBA Finals appearance. This should be a transcendent moment for the 28-year-old two-time MVP, yet here we are, watching him play like crap, clowning his ass for rocking your elderly aunt's Zumba shoes.
Behold! Definitive proof that Under Armour is run by dorks...
Steph's new Under Armor kicks look like they should come with a fanny pack filled with wet wipes and a map of Epcot. pic.twitter.com/49RLOtDbWJ
— Jake O'Donnell (@_JakeODonnell) June 10, 2016
A few descriptions of the new Steph Currys, off the top of my head...
- Almost identical to the Nike Air Monarchs, which you may remember from the last time you saw your neighbor mow his lawn.
- Literally look like the sneakers you'd draw if some held a gun to your head and said "DRAW A PAIR OF SNEAKERS AS FAST AS YOU CAN IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!"
- What are the chances the AND1 guy has already reserved a pair?
- These ARE the shoes my grandfather died in.
- Ergonomically designed for walking alongside Memorial Day Parade and shouting "Hi honey!" at your son as he nervously plays his trombone with the middle school band.
- Isn't this the shoe you find just chilling in a storm drain next to a dirty action figure?
- Actually look pretty decent for playing tennis in...then walking over to the snack bar and enjoying a delicious Caesar salad.
- Shoes like this are the last thing you'll see after an angry Tea Party mob stomps your ass out for walking by in a backwards hat.
- Under Armour clearly targeting "Sports Authority mannequin" demographic.
- Would be surprised if they didn't come with pom poms and a rainbow scrunchie.
- Pretty sure they're designed specifically for this kind of shit...
- Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan wears these when he rips through P90-X every morning.
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