Pretty Much Da Dankest: The 2013-2014 Miami Heat Season Preview, By Justin Bieber

  • Matt Rudnitsky

Justin Bieber Miami Heat

Welcome to “Pretty Much Screwed,” our definitive guide to the upcoming NBA season. Today: we’ve brought in Justin Bieber to analyze the Miami Heat. He insisted that we characterize them as “Da Dankest” instead of “Pretty Much Screwed.”

The Miami Heat are heavy favorites to win the NBA Championship. You know this. You can bet on them at +190 to win the title. You can bet on the Giants at +195 to beat the Eagles this weekend. You get worse odds betting on a team to play six months of excellent basketball, while staying fresh, healthy and cohesive, then besting four other teams over a three-month-long, grueling playoffs — all while staying fresh, healthy and cohesive — than you get for betting on a mild underdog to win a game in the parity-ridden NFL.

All you need to know about this year’s Miami Heat is:

– They won the title last year.

– LeBron worked on things during the offseason.

– There’s a good chance Dwyane Wade won’t be as bad as he was last year.

– They replaced Mike Miller with Michael Beasley, who may be awful, but potentially could be not-awful.

– They have Chris Andersen for a full year, and they added Greg Oden, who shouldn’t be counted on, but could potentially be a huge addition (if only for his huge penis).

Other teams have gotten better. If a team gets hot, or the Heat get cold (LOL) or injured, they could certainly lose. But don’t bet on it.

Since you know what an informed prediction would say, I won’t bother giving you one. Instead, I will turn the mic keyboard over to Justin Beiber, who will give his thoughts on the Miami Heat.

Why the Heat are da dankest, by Justin Bieber


Uh huh.



I’m high.

You’re fly.

Girl, come wit me tonight.

You like abs. I like cabs. You like me.

Uh huh.

That’s right.

Das jus’ a li’l jam I wrote for you, Bron-Bron. Lissen up here, my dudes. The Heat are gonna win that title!

I’mma just stop for a hot second tho, real quick. Bronbron, why dinint you respond to my tweet?

It was killer. We missed you when we smoked those danks! All trip! Haaaaaaa. Hit me up next time! I know you ain’t busy enough for me!

Where was I? Oh yeah, the Heat!!!!! I love you guys. You’re so good! You still got that Bird Man? Man, he’s good. He’s gonna tear it up !

LeBron, Wade, the Bird Man, that’s a preview! They’re gonna beat Durant! I like Durant! He’s good.

I went to all of the first halfs of all the finals, and we’re good! I dinint needa stay, cuz we’re bomb!

LeBron! If I take one more hit of this weed… I’m gon’ end up fuckin’ yooohooooh.

You know, now that I think about it, if Martin Luther King Jr. were alive, he’d be a Belieber. And a Heat fan. Man, I love the Heat. And the Blackhawks. And the Red Sox and Cardinals. And Louisville Basketball. And Roll Damn Them Tide! Sports are wild man. I’mma buy that Peyton Manning jersey! Orange is fly.

Shit, man, I’m so damn high.

Note: This wasn’t actually written by Justin Bieber. Sources say Justin Bieber is illiterate.

Photos via