Pretty Much Screwed: Our Preview Of The 2012-2013 Utah Jazz

  • Dylan Murphy

Welcome to “Pretty Much Screwed,” our 2012-13 guide to the upcoming NBA season in which SportsGrid’s acid-tounged writers identify the reason why your team should probably start looking forward to 2013-2014. Today we have the Utah Jazz.

The Utah Jazz did not have a first round pick this year because of their trade for Al Jefferson – the pick, which was lottery protected, went to Minnesota instead. You might not remember that Utah snuck into the playoffs last year as the No. 8 seed, because San Antonio dismantled them with such ease that even the media was embarrassed.

At some point the Utah brass has to step in and demand that they miss the playoffs. Because what this ultimately comes down to is that the Utah Jazz chose zero playoff wins and no first round pick over zero playoff wins and a first round pick. And on top of everything, they picked up a nice gift basket of media shaming.

Luckily they traded Devin Harris (good move), the failed heir apparent to Deron Williams, for Marvin Williams (horrible move). You know the “Maybe a change of scenery will be good for him?” conversation? That shit never works. Michael Beasley is still a crazy, pot smoking scorer who will aggravate you with inconsistent flashes of brilliance. Free Darko is still the best thing to come out of Detroit’s No. 2 selection in 2003. Emeka Okafor is still a mediocre player. Adam Morrison has fooled no one by cutting his hair. You can’t will a player to be better than he is (Looking at you, Rex Ryan). And MORMONISM NEVER CURED ANYTHING.

There’s still no room for Enes Kanter, Derrick Favors and Paul Millsap in the front court, and the addition of Randy Foye only further confuses the shooting guard spot with Gordon Heyward and Alec Burks already getting minutes there. It’s like David Kahn on steroids with all these clusterfucks, creating one giant, loss-inducing clusterfuck.

One final sass: change your damn nickname. There was a ton of jazz in New Orleans. There is no jazz in Utah. Only men with 37 wives and 58 children all named Clyde. Be something generic like the Thunder. There’s probably thunder in Oklahoma City, so that works. Become the Utah Slopes. Or Skis. Or Snowboarders. You might think these names are lame, but Miami named its team after the fucking weather and no one seems to care. How about the Utah Mormons? That would be a fun name. The team does enjoy loading up on a bunch of players that play the same role.