Andrew Bynum Could Be Headed To Miami, The Clippers, Boston, Or The Bench

  • Jake O'Donnell

What is with NBA big men being such complete pussies these days? First Dwight Howard goes diva on the Magic for two years, then the Lakers for one, and Andrew Bynum’s commitment to basketball has been questioned for the last eight seasons. (At least DeAndre Jordan is man enough to fart on people.) Now he’s being suspended indefinitely for “Conduct detrimental to the team.” What does that mean exactly? Let us speculate.

1) Fighting with teammates
2) Being a negative Nancy
3) Not giving 100% effort
4) Colluding with opponents
5) Tying everyone’s shoelaces together

Andrew Bynum is capable of all of these (except for the last two, those require too much work). We saw this coming way back when he backed out of Jim Calhoun’s 2005 UCONN squad — which would have given him an invaluable learning experience and probably a Final Four visit. He’s mentally weak. He lacks discipline. He cites struggling “mentally with learning to play with less mobility and in pain with his knees,” but we all know this about a basketball player who doesn’t give a shit.

And now it seems the proverbial shit has hit the fan. (Unless he’s being suspended for shitting onto a locker room fan. Then it’s, well, about that.)

Now he wants out of Cleveland after less than half a season, for reasons that are looking like a pretty terrible reflection of his character: To go to Miami or LAC because he doesn’t feel like rehabbing his knees back to All-Star form. Is it possible he ends up in South Beach? Bill Simmons thinks so. What about Boston for Rondo? Or will Dan Gilbert make him sit on the Cavs bench like spectator he wants to be? Here’s everything we know/liked/laughed at, via this website known as ““…