Some Advice For Johnny Manziel: When You Do Leave Texas A&M, Don’t Get Drafted By A New York-Area Team

  • Eric Goldschein

johnny manzielDear Johnny Football,

If you leave college in the next year or two, it’s possible that the Giants will look to draft you as a future successor to Eli Manning, or the Jets will need yet another QB after they’re done fucking up Mark Sanchez and Geno Smith. I know you can’t help which team drafts you — unless you’re, you know, Eli Manning or something — but based on what we’re hearing, Johnny Football, you wouldn’t be a good fit for New York.

It’s not the football aspect that you’d have a problem with (I don’t think), nor would it be some bullshit about New York only being for assholes (it’s fucking not, okay, and if any of yous have a problem with that, fuck yous, buddy). It’s that you don’t seem to know how to handle getting a parking ticket. And in New York, we get a shit-ton of parking tickets, and they cost a lot of damn money.

Johnny, remember when everyone got upset earlier this week when you tweeted about wanting to leave College Station, then deleted the tweet and instead asked people to walk in your Heisman-winning shoes? People were confused about it. But Busted Coverage pointed us to a report by Brent Zwerneman of the San Antonio Express-News explaining exactly why you did that:

Manziel, the 2012 Heisman Trophy winner, had been fishing in Port Aransas on Saturday and was still on the coast when he talked over the phone to an officer, who wrote him a ticket for being parked the wrong way in front of his house and for his windows being tinted too dark (his vehicle was in College Station while he was with friends in Port Aransas), according to the insider. Manziel tweeted out his frustrations in dealing with the matter, quickly removed the post, followed with a tweet that he loved A&M but for people to please walk in a day in his shoes.

So you sent the Internet — and correspondingly, the rest of the media world — into freakout mode over a parking ticket? It’s not your fault everyone overreacted, but speaking of overreactions… dude, just recently I got a ticket for leaving my car by a meter for 60 seconds while I ran inside a store to buy some lox. Cost me $65. Last month I forgot to move my car for alternate side parking. Cost me $115. SportsGrid is based in New York. Get the picture?

If you want to roll around like a gangster with tinted windows and park your car backwards like a… dyslexic gangster, that’s your right. But don’t blame College Station for your woes. And don’t come to New York, man. I’m telling you this for your own good. The tickets will drive you nuts. Also, the rent is too damn high.

Photo via Getty